Vituko Vya Disemba

Cheka kidogo, angalia anachosema huyu mchaga

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Mchaga baada ya kufa akaulizwa na malaika anayetoa roho: Mangi hapa ni njiapanda kulia ni Mbinguni na kushoto ni Jehanamu, Je unachagua kwenda wapi?

MANGI: Bwashee, mi nabaki hapa hapa njiapanda aisee.
MALAIKA: Kwa nini?
MANGI: Aisee, nikifungua duka hapa si nitapata wateja wa Mbinguni na Jehanam. Yani patakuwa senta ya hatari, supu na nyama choma muda wote. Hata we utafaidi, unavyoenda kuchukua roho unaniletea stock nakupa hela yako cash mkononi. Na kila ukipita hapa unapiga mchemsho wako wa ulimi na bia mbili chap kabla ya kuingia mbinguni.
Kwanza nashangaa Shirima alipitaje hapa bila kushika ploti, au alikufa amelewa sana?

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Kilichotokea baada ya babu mzee kuibiwa nauli kwenye daladala

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Mzee mmoja alipanda Gari Stend;
Wakati wa kugombania Siti,
Akaibiwa Nauli.

Akasimama katikati ya Gari-Akasema; “Jamani Naomba Aliyeniibia Pesa yangu Arudishe Haraka,
Tena Fasta kabla Sijafanya Tukio kama Nililofanya 1977″
Abiria kuskia hivyo wakaogopa.
Ikabidi Mwizi Ajitokeze,
Akarudisha Pesa na Kuomba Msamaha! Mtu Mmoja akauliza,
Mzee,
Kwani 1977 Ulifanya nn?
Si nilienda kwa Miguu mpaka Nyumbani!
Uscheke Peke Yako, wa2mie na wengine ili nao wacheke!

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Kapresha kakiamua kuja kanakujaga tuu, cheki kilichompata huyu mme wa mtu mpenda michepuko

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Kimchepuko chako kinakuandikia meseji kama hii…

…Samahani baby kama unavyojua nimeokoka ,nimetubu kanisani lakini nabii kaniambia niwaombe msamaha wote niliowakosea.

Nimemkosea sana mkeo kwa kumwibia mumewe na nimepanga kuja kumwomba msamaha kesho ntakuja na nabii na Mchumba wangu mpya nilie mpata kanisani.

Samahani kwa usumbufu uliojitokeza lakini hilo ni kwa ajili ya utukufu wa bwana!!!

Wako Manka wa Magorofani😅😅

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Cheki jamaa alivyoumbuka baada ya kuhudhuria semina isiyomuhusu

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Jamaa kavamia semina ya wasomi iliyokua inafanyika maeneo ya ubungo plaza bas wakaanza kujitambulisha
1. Naitwa Anna niko SUA mwaka3 nasoma agriculture
2. Naitwa Stella niko UDSM mwaka2 nasoma public relation

3. Naitwa Emmanuel niko UDOM mwaka3 nasoma computer science
bas jamaa nae akainuka kwa kusuasua huku akijishtukia akasema”Naitwa Elisha niko Tanesco mwaka wa 7 nasoma mita”

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Kali za leo: Misemo ya kuchekesha na kuvunja mbavu

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1. Ati wee ni m-black mpaka ukiingia kwa dinga(gari), dirisha zinakuwa tinted!

2. Kwenu kuchafu mpaka mende zinatema mate.

3. Vile wewe mfupi, ukipiga picha ya passport inatokea full.

4. Ati(house) yenu ina gate lakini hakuna fence.

5. Baba alienda ku buy ngombe akaona ikikojoa akasema sitaki hiyo imetoboka.

6.Wee mblack mpaka ukikutana na mzungu afternoon anakusalimia: Good evening.

7. Mko wengi kwa house mpaka kuna rush hours na kukinyesha kunakuwa na jam.

8. Paka yenu noma mpaka ikishika panya inaomba chumvi, fork na pilipili.

9. We ni mrefu mpaka ukikunywa maziwa inafika kwa tumbo ikiwa mgando.

10.Wewe ni mweusi ukikanyanga makaa unawacha footprint nyeusi.

11. Kwenyu mkikunywa maji mnaitisha toothpick

12. We ni mbishi hadi ulikataa kuzaliwa uchi

13. Kwenu kuna insecurity ikifika usiku hadi geti mnaingiza ndani

14. Kwenu ni wengi sana hadi mmeweka round about ndani.

15. Wewe ni mlafi hadi maji uliyochemshia mayai unayafanya supu.

16. We ni mjinga sana hadi blood test ulifeli.

17. Una chogo refu hadi ukigeuka haraka unaweza kuliona.

18. Una kichwa kikubwa hadi ukiingia kwenye daladala konda anakwambia “abiria usiingie na mizigo, tunaweka juu kwenye carrier

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Hii ndiyo bongo sasa!!

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Hii ndio Bongo

Ilikuwa Ijumaa mida ya saa 10 jioni, mzee mmoja aliingia na kibinti kizuri kwenye yard ya magari mapya.

MZEE: Chagua gari unalotaka mpenzi….kabinti akazunguka yard yote mwisho akachagua Verrosa metallic .

BINTI: Mi naitaka hii

MZEE: Hakuna tatizo kabisaaa, mtoto mzuri kama wewe lazima upate gari uloichagua mwenyewe. Mzee akatoa kitabu cha cheki na kuandika palepale na kumpa mwenye yard

MUUZAJI: Sasa Mzee kwa kuwa umetoa cheki, gari utakuja chukua Jumatatu tukishahakikisha kuwa Account yako ina pesa benki. Naomba namba yako ya simu Mzee

MZEE: Hakuna tatizo (akampa namba). Haya twende zetu sweetie Jumatatu tunakuja wote kuchukua gari lako…

Siku ya Jumatatu mwenye yard kampigia simu Mzee.

MUUZAJI: We Mzee kavu sana, akaunti yako haina hata senti tano.

MZEE: Hilo nilijua, lakini wiki endi yangu ilikuwa tamu sana.

💦😆💦

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Angalia huyu mvulana anachomwambia huyu daktari baada ya rafiki yake wa kike kupata ujauzito

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😂😂😂😂

MVULANA: Daktari, rafiki yangu wa kike ni mjamzito, lakini mara zote nimekua nikitumia kinga. Inawezekanaje hii?

DAKTARI: Ngoja nikusimulie hadithi. Kulikua na Muindaji ambaye alikua anabeba bunduki kila aendako. Siku moja, alichukua mwamvuli badala ya bunduki na akaenda nayo. Ghafla akatokea Simba mbele yake. Ili amtishie Simba, muindaji akatumia mwamvuli na kummiminia risasi Simba. Simba akafa palepale!
MVULANA: Sio kweli!! Lazima kulikua na mtu mwengine pembeni aliyempiga risasi Simba.

DAKTARI: Nashukuru umeelewa somo!!😂

😂😂😂😂😂😂😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃

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Angalia sababu ya mwanamme kubadili jina na Kuitwa jina la kike, hii dunia ina mambo kweli

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Rashidi alimpa ujauzito mwanafunzi, akashtakiwa.
Kumbe Rashidi ana bibi yake mtaalamu wa yale mambo yao ya Sumbawanga, akampachika Rashidi i jinsia ya kike.

Alipofika mahakamani kuhojiwa Rashidi akasema sijampa ujauzito kwa sababu mimi pia nina jinsia ya kike.
Kwa kuthibitisha Rashid wakaenda kumkagua basi akashinda kesi, kufika nyumbani Rashid akawakuta watu wamejaa wanalia, akauliza kulikoni?
Akaambiwa bibi yako amefariki. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😰😰😰😆😆😆😆😆😆
Kwa sasa Rashid anaitwa Leila😀😀😀

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Kauli 10 mbaya za walimu darasani, unakumbuka ipi hapa?

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1:Mkimaliza kuongea niambieni niendelee kufundisha

2:Baba yako kauza ng’ombe ili alete ng’ombe mwingine shule

3:Kama unajua kuliko mimi njoo ufundishe wewe

4:Ulikuja peke yako na utaondoka peke yako

5:Hata msiponisikiliza mshahara wangu uko pale pale

6:Baba yako anahangaika kulipa ada wewe unafanya utumbo tu

7:Hata nikeshe nafundisha wengine ni mizigo hawatoki na lolote

8:Tunavisaidia tu kwan vikifanikiwa mbelen hata salam vinatoa?

9:Bichwa kubwa ubongo nukta

10:Wengine hapa wamekuja kukua tu

SHARE NA MARAFIKI ZAKO WAKUMBUKE ENZI ZA SHULE KIDOGO

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Kuna watu makauzu ila huyu kazidi.. Soma hii!

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Kakubaliana vizuri na msichana fulani hivi kuwa aibuke gheto, mchizi kajipanga vizuri kabisa…. mara saa nne hivi mdada kasema hana nauli.
Mshkaji kajikunja kamtumia Elfu tano maana mwenye shida alikuwa ni yeye……
Baada ya nusu saa yule dada akamtumia meseji.
“Jamani mpenzi, kumbe baba hatoki nilijua atatoka… sorry bae sitaweza kuja kwa leo… sooo sorry!”
Mshkaji jiii! hajajibu kitu…..

Baada ya muda kidogo meseji ikaingia katika simu ya binti, akajua mchizi kajibu. Mh! kutazama ni meseji kutoka Mpesa.

“CA90F0511 IMETHIBITISHWA Tshs 5000 ILIYOTUMWA KIMAKOSA KATIKA ACCOUNT YAKO IMETOLEWA SALIO LAKO NI Tshs 5”

Halafu ndo ikaingia meseji ya mshkaji.
“BASI POA SIKU NYINGINE KAMA VIPI”

#dada wa watu mashavu yakamshuka… hakuamini kilichotokea…. yaani jamaa keshawapigia Voda na pesa fasta imezuiliwa……

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