Visa Vya Jioni Hii

Kweli tamaa ni mbaya, mke wa mtu kaponzwa na tamaa, ndio basi tena

Jamaa kaenda kwa mke wa rafiki yake:
JAMAA: Shem nakupenda!
MKE: Hebu toka hapa! Je rafiki
yako akijua? tena koma!
JAMAA: Ntakupa milioni 1!
MKE: Basi njoo kesho mchana
mume wangu akiwa kazini!

Kesho yake Jamaa kaja
na milioni 1 wakamalizana na mke wa rafki yake,
jioni ilipofika
Mume akarudi home na
kumuuliza Mkewe, “Rafki yangu SAM kaleta hela yangu milioni 1?”
MKE akajibu kwa unyonge, “Ndio!”
MUME: Yes! Ndio maana nampenda SAM kanikopa asubuhi jioni karejesha!!!!
Mke hoiโ€ฆโ€ฆ

Angalia huyu secretary anavyomjibu bosi wake

Boss mmoja aliingia kazini kwake kasahau kufunga zipu ya suruali yake sasa secretary wake akamfuata na mazungumzo yakawa hivi:

SECRETARY: Boss leo umesahau kufunga geti nyumbani kwakoโ€ฆ

Boss akabaki anashangaaโ€ฆ Baadae wakati anakwenda chooni kujisaidia ile anataka kufungua zipu akaikuta iko wazi ndio akajua alichokuwa ameambiwa na Secretary wake.

Akarudi mpaka kwa secretary na mazungumzo yakaendelea:

BOSS: Bibie ulivyoona geti wazi je uliona benz langu lime paki auโ€ฆ?

SECRETARY: Hapana Boss niliona kitoroli kidogo kimepaki kina matairi mawili

Angalia huyu jamaa alivyomuweza huyu binti wa chuo

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ .. TABU KUDATE NA MADEMU WA CHUO
Demu ;ย Baby Safari Hii Nataka Pale Hostel Niwafunike Mashoga Zangu Wote.
Jamaa ;ย Poa Sweetie Ondoa Shaka Nitakununulia #Turubai Utawafunika Woteโ€ฆ!!!
Demu:ย Mxiuuuuuuuu Lione Sura Kama Goti La mbuzi Na Namba yangu futa Nakublock Mpaka Sanduku la postaโ€ฆ!!!

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚nmecheka adi nmelazwa

Angalia kilichompata huyu mwanafunzi kilaza anayejiamini

Teacher: Who is a pharmacist?

Shemdoe raised up his hand.

Teacher: So itโ€™s only Shemdoe that can tell who a pharmacist is in this class? So there is no body else to answer the question except Shemdoe? (There was no reply from the students)

Teacher: Ok now Shemdoe, chukua hii fimbo, charaza vilaza hawa wote kila mmoja viboko kumiโ€ฆ. Shemdoe akiwa amevimba kichwa, akawatwanga viboko kumi kumi vya kushiba darasa nzima

Teacher: Now, my dear Shemdoe tell this dumb students who a pharmacist isโ€ฆ

Shemdoe: Yes, sir. A Pharmacist is a farmer who assists people. Shemdoe saiv amelazwa MOI kwa wataalam wa mifupa ๐Ÿƒ

Usichokijua kuhusu sungura, panya na jamii yao

JE WAJUA?

Sungura, panya na Jamii zao huwa na mwendo wa kukimbia na kuruka muda wote na umri wao wa kuishi ni miaka 15. Kobe ni mnyama mwenda pole, asiye na papara wala pilika, muda mwingi hujificha na kupumzika ndani ya jumba lake akikwepa maadui. Umri wa kuishi kobe hufikia hadi miaka 300.
FUNZO: Mazoezi ni kiinimacho na uongo mtupu. Jipumzikie mwaya!!!
๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿฟโ€

Kingereza sio mchezo, angalia huyu anavyojichanganya

Jamaa fulani alikuwa ame2lia beach mzungu akapita akamuliza “Are u relax ? Jamaa akawa hamuelewi akamjibu No! Mzungu mwengine akapita akamuliza vilevile akajibu No!

Akaona hapa anasumbuliwa akasogea mbele kidogo ya maji akamuona mzungu mmoja alikuwa ame2lia. Akamuliza “are u relax? Mzungu akajibu yes jamaa akamkata makofi mawili na kumwambia kumbe we ndo relax inuka unatafutwa na wenzakoโ€ฆ..Shenz mkubwa mie nasumbuliwa na wenzako kule we umejikausha!!

Alichofanya mke baada ya mme wake kupenda kumchunga sana

Alifanya hivi;
Siku ya kwanza

MUME: Halooo vipi mke wangu salama weye?.
MKE: Salama tu
MUME: Uko wapi?
MKE: Jamani si niko nyumbani
MUME: Mhh kama kweli uko nyumbani washa blender nisikieโ€ฆ..mkeยญ akawasha blender
MKE: Umesikia?
MUME: Okay haya mi natoka kazini naja

Siku ya pili
MUME: Vipi mko salama huko?
MKE: Tupo kama ulivyotuacha
MUME: kwani uko wapi?
MKE: Niko nyumbani napika
MUME: Washa brender kama kweli uko nyumbani
Mke akawasha blender
MKE: Umesikia?
MUME: Poa ntarudi baada ya masaa mawili

Siku sita baadaeย mume akaamua kurudi bila kumtaarifu mkewe alipofika home kamkuta mdada wa kazi yuko peke yake.
MUME: We mama yako yuko wapi?
MDADA: Sijui ameondoka na blender toka asubuhi

Mabinti wengine kwa kupenda hela! cheki huyu anachokifanya

Phone call
gal: hellow
Boy: sweety mambo vipi?
Girl: poa
Boy: utakuwa free weekend? nilikuwa nataka uje nyumbani
Girl: oh sorry ctoweza kuja sababu kuna haruc ya aunt yangu
Boy: kama ni hivyo sawa nilikuwa nataka nikufanyie sapraiz nimekununulia BLACKBERRY.
Girl: oh ucjal ntakuja na hata ntalala huko huko
Boy: na haruc je?
Girl: nilikuwa nakutania
Boy: hata mi nilikuwa nakutania

Utani wa wahindi, cheka kidogo

Mhindi afaulu mtihani wa Kiswahili

(1) Mfa maji ?โ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆ.. Tampa life jacket.
(2) Mwenda pole?โ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆ Tachelewa fika.
(3) Usipoziba ufa ?โ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆ.. Mizi taona mpaka dani.
(4) Usilolijua ?โ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆ Uliza google.
(5) Mbio za utelezini ?โ€ฆโ€ฆ. Chafua guo yako.
(6) Ukipenda boga ?โ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆ Ngoja mezi ya ramzani tapata.
(7) Ukiona vinaelea ?โ€ฆโ€ฆ.. iko nyepesi hiyo.
(8) Maji yakimwagika ?โ€ฆโ€ฆ Mambie dada tapiga deki.
(9) Chelewa chelewa ?โ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆ Takosa guo ya sikukuuโ€ฆ
(10) Kila ndege ?โ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆ.. โ€ฆHutua Airport
(11) Bandu bandu ?โ€ฆ.. โ€ฆโ€ฆ.Rafiki yake Jecha
(12) Mtaka cha Mvunguni ?โ€ฆ Ondoa tanda
(13) Simba mwenda kimya?โ€ฆ.Kama sio gonjwa basi haina njaa.
(14) Aisifuye mvua ?โ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆ. Najua iko Mkulima hiyo
(15) Barabara ndefu ?โ€ฆโ€ฆ.. Ongeza mwendo au tachelewa fika.
(16) Mlanawe hafi nawe ila?โ€ฆ. Takimbia
(17) Asie sikia la mkuu ? โ€ฆโ€ฆ.. Tapeleka jela
(18) Hasira za mkizi ? โ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆ..Tatafuna veve
(19) Mchamba wima ?โ€ฆโ€ฆ.. Karibu ya Hurumzi
(20) Akumurikae mchana ?โ€ฆ.Kipofu hiyo
(21) Mficha maradhi ?โ€ฆโ€ฆ.. Taenda Loliondo
(22) Mkataa wingi ? โ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆ.Taenda Chadema
(23) Bendera ?โ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆ. Kama sio ya CCM, ya CUF
(24) Baniani mbaya ?โ€ฆโ€ฆ. Peleka Bombay Lakini sio HB kweli, naonea tu
(25) Akili nyingi ?โ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆ. Tapasi mtihani yote
(26) Penye kuku wengi ? โ€ฆโ€ฆ.. Chija bili tatu ivi, hapana mtu najua.

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