Mdada alienda super-market kununua
kuku, bahati mbaya kwenye frij
kulikuwa na kuku mmoja tu, muuzaji
akamtoa akamuweka kwenye
mzani, akaonekana ana kilo moja na robo.

Mdada akamuuliza
muuzaji,’Huna mkubwa zaidi?’ Muuzaji
akamchukua yule kuku na
kujifanya kamrudisha kwenye friji, halafu
akamtoa tena kwenye friji na
kumrudisha kwenye mzani, safari hii
akagandamiza mzani kwa gumba,
kuku akaonekana ana kilo mbili. Mdada
akasema ‘Duh afadhali huyu
mkubwa kidogo, naomba unifungie
nawachukua wote wawili’

Mamaaaaa muuzaji sijui atatoa wap kuku wa pili😂

😅😅😅😅😅Hapo ndipo utagundua kwa nini MUWA co TUNDA 🚶🏽🚶🏽

Leo nimeenda mahakamani, mara judge akasema..
Order! Order…
Mimi na kiherehere changu nikasema.. Chapati .. Maziwa na ovacado tatu …
Nimewekwa kwa karoom kengine hapa kanagiza..
i think wananiandalia chapati
😀😁😀😁😀😁😀😁😂

Nimekuta panya ana struggle kuingia chini ya mlango wa jirani yangu…

Nikagonga mlango Jirani kafungua panya akapenya mi nkaenda zangu…..

Tenda Wema Uende Zako!!! Sipendi Ujinga mimi kwanini panya wa watu apate shida

Akina dada mpenzi wako akikuita MAMITO usikubali

na yeye mwite MAFORONYA kama mbwai na iwe mbwai🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪

Bosi wangu karudi safari yake kutoka serengeti..! Si akanitumia picha, lakini ilikuwa network yenyewe tabu.. kwahio picha haikufunguka na kwa vile niliona itachelewa kufunguka na ataona sikumjibu basi nami..

Nikampelekea msg nikamuandikia umependeza saana bosi mashaallah…!!
sasa baada tu ya kumfika msg.. na huku picha ikafunguka kumbe picha ya Sokwe..!!
Basi Kaniambia kesho niende ofsini kwake kuna barua yangu..
Nahisi hyo barua ina pesa, hapa cjalala, nmekosa usingizi kabisa,nawaza ninunulie nn hyo pesa.Na kesho asubuhi sa 12 asubuhi atanikuta ofisini kwake naisubiri barua, sipendagi ujinga mimi.

Kuishi kijijini kunahitaji moyo sana

..unaenda kuoga, unakumbuka kuwa umesahau sabuni…unaenda kuchukua sabuni kurudi bafuni, unakuta ng’ombe amekunywa maji yote..unaamua kufuata mengne,unarudi unakuta mbuzi kala sabuni…😂😂😂😂

Kuishi kijijini kunahitaji moyo sana

..unaenda kuoga, unakumbuka kuwa umesahau sabuni…unaenda kuchukua sabuni kurudi bafuni, unakuta ng’ombe amekunywa maji yote..unaamua kufuata mengne,unarudi unakuta mbuzi kala sabuni…😂😂😂😂

Teacher: Who is a pharmacist?

Shemdoe raised up his hand.

Teacher: So it’s only Shemdoe that can tell who a pharmacist is in this class? So there is no body else to answer the question except Shemdoe? (There was no reply from the students)

Teacher: Ok now Shemdoe, chukua hii fimbo, charaza vilaza hawa wote kila mmoja viboko kumi…. Shemdoe akiwa amevimba kichwa, akawatwanga viboko kumi kumi vya kushiba darasa nzima

Teacher: Now, my dear Shemdoe tell this dumb students who a pharmacist is…

Shemdoe: Yes, sir. A Pharmacist is a farmer who assists people. Shemdoe saiv amelazwa MOI kwa wataalam wa mifupa 🏃

*Mdukuzi:* _halloo massai unasemaj_
*Massai:* _safi rafiki_

*Mdukuzi:* _nikikuuliza swali unaakili ya kujibu?_
*Massai:* _ulisa acha maneno yako._
*Mdukuzi:* _nitajie wanyama kumi wa porini_
*Massai:* _swala watatu na tembo saba_😆😆😆😆😆😆👆🏿

Alaf wale Madem wanaowavua maboy wao KOFIA alaf wanakimbia nayo thinking its FUNNY and ROMANTIC.. Hiv nyie mkivuliwa MAWIGI wakakimbia nayo mtajiskiaje?🐸🐸

Dogo kampigia simu baba yake;
DOGO: Baba katika zile shilingi laki mbili ulizonipa
nikalipe ada nimetumia shilingi alfu 30 kubeti
BABA : Unasema nini we mpumbavu mshenzi
mkubwa? Nimekukanya mara ngapi kuhusu kubeti?
DOGO : Lakini baba
BABA : Lakini baba nini ngoja urudi utaona
ntakachofanya.
DOGO : Nilitaka kukwambia kuwa nimeshinda
shilingi milioni 3
BABA : Ndio hayo ninayosema wewe mpumbavu
sana kwanini hukutumia laki nzima kubeti? Si
ungepata pesa nyingi zaidi? Ngoja urudi niwataarifu
ndugu zako kuhusu uulivyo na akili za kuamua
haraka mwanangu mpenzi…

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

*Hadith ya Shemdoe na Mwalimu wa English:*

*Teacher:* `Who is a pharmacist?`

*Shemdoe:* 👆🏿 _(raised up his hand.)_

*Teacher:* `So it’s only Shemdoe that can tell who a pharmacist is in this class? Thus, no body else to answer the question except Shemdoe?`

_(There was no reply from the students)_

*Teacher:* `Ok. now Shemdoe, chukua hii fimbo, charaza vilaza hawa wote kila mmoja viboko 3.`

*Shemdoe* _(akiwa amevimba kichwa, akawatwanga viboko vitatu vitatu vya kushiba darasa nzima)_

*Teacher:* `Now, my dear Shemdoe tell this dumb students, who a pharmacist is…?`

*Shemdoe:* `Yes, sir. a Pharmacist is a farmer who assists people.`

_*Shemdoe sasa hivi amelazwa MOI kwa wataalam wa mifupa*_😀😀😀

Nimeblockiwa bila kosa X Girlfriend From no where kanitext eti Hi; Vp na huko kwenu mvua inanyesha …Nimemjibu kwani nimekutumia text ina matope?

sipendangi ujinga mimi

1. Huwezi kuosha Macho kwa Sabuni;
2. Huwezi kuhesabu Nywele zako;

3. Huwezi kupumua kwa Pua na huku umetoa Ulimi;
4. Unajaribu kufanya namba 3
6. Umeona inawezekana, sanasana unakuwa Kama Jibwa;
7. Unatabasamu kwa kuwa umejiona Mjinga!
8. Umeruka namba 5;
9. Unahakikisha Kama kweli 5 haipo.
10. Unacheka kwa kuwa nimekubamba!

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
Jana nimeenda kuazima pasi chumba jirani, ili ninyooshe nguo zangu, Jamaa wakaniambia nichukue nguo nikanyooshe room kwao maana hawataki pasi yao itoke.
Sasa leo amekuja mmoja wao kuazima mopper akasafishe room, nimemwambia aje adekie humu humu…

Jamaa ameondoka nadhani atakua ameenda kuchukua maji
🤒🤒🤒

MZARAMO V/S MCHAGA.
Mzaramo alitangaza anatibu magonjwa yooooooote
kwa tsh. 100,000/=
Na kama akishindwa kukutibu anakurudishia laki
yako nakukuongeza laki nyingine.
MCHAGA akaona hii fursa yakujipatia hela aiwezi mpita akaenda kutibiwa.
MZARAMO: “unaumwa nini?”
MCHAGA: “Sisikii ladha ya aina yoyote mdomoni kabisaaaa..”
MZARAMO: “sawa, toa laki kabisa..”
Mchaga akatoa.
MZARAMO akamuagiza msaidizi wake; “Naomba kikopo no.27 mpe anywe huyu..”
MCHAGA akanywa akatema faster; “Puh puu puu, Aisee huu si mkojo huu..?”
MZARAMO: “Umepona karibu tena..”
Mchaga aka-mind sana Kesho yake akarudi tena hakuamini ameliwa pesa yake.
MCHAGA: aisee nina tatizo la kumbukumbu nasahau
sanaaaaa..”
MZARAMO akamwambia “hakuna tabu, toa laki tukupe tiba..’
MCHAGA akatoa pesa akijua leo lazima afanikiwe..’
MZARAMO: “nesi naomba kikopo no.27..”
MCHAGA: “ASA CHALII ANGU HICHO SI CHA JANA CHA MKOJO HICHO AISEE..?”
MZARAMO: “UMEPONA KUMBUKUMBU UNAYO.

😄😄😄😄😁😁😁😁😁😁

Ukimchoka mkeo, waweza kumtaftia sababu za kumuacha kama hizi

_
1. Missed calls 16? Umeua betri la simu yangu. Kwa hiyo hata mimi unaweza kuniua… It’s Over!!!
_
2. Hata hunieshimu. Mi naongea na wewe lakini we upo bize unavuta pumzi? It’s over!
_
3. Nimekupigia umepokea simu hapohapo. Huna subira. It’s over!!
_

4. Nilikwambia huwa napenda chakula cha moto lakini hujanipashia ice cream. Hunijali. It’s over!
_
5. Nimekupa mayai mawili, moja uchemshe jingine ukaange. We umekaanga ambalo ulitakiwa kuchemsha na umechemsha ulilotakiwa kukaanga. Huniheshimu, It’s over!
_
6. Nimekuita DARLING na wewe ukaniita HONEY. Yani kwa maana nyingine unamuita mama yangu NYUKI. Huheshimu wazazi wangu, fungasha kilicho chako. its over.

😄😂😄😂😄😂😄😂😄

​tulikua kwenye gari kibao ad wengne mlangon likasmimama kituo kimoja kulikua kuna bibi anataka kupanda​

Konda- bibi twende sit kibao ata utalala

Bibi – oooh sawa mjukuu

Konda – simama tu apo wanashuka mbele

Bibi – akacheka sana tu

Konda- mbona unacheka bibi

Bibi – mjukuu hawa wote hawashuki wanakufa apo mbele

Watu- simamisha gar

Saiv bibi kabaki mwenyewe amelala sit ya nyuma😆😆😅😂😂