Short answer: He got twelve months!
Explanation: Well, you see, when the man stole the calendar from the store, he thought he was just getting a free calendar. Little did he know, calendars have a way of keeping track of time. So, instead of escaping with his loot, he ended up with twelve whole months of his life! Talk about a hilarious twist of fate! 🤣📆
Running is great. Unless you faint. 🏃♀️🥵
I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying! ✈️📱
I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch it for hours. 💻🛋️
How does a polar bear build its house? Igloos it together! 🐻❄️🏠
What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh! 🐟👁️
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle. 🍰😂
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. 🪂🤣
Why did the baker go to therapy? He had too much on his plate! 🍰🛋️
I smile because I don’t know what’s going on. 😁🤷♂️
I wish everything was as easy as getting fat. 🍔😆
There’s no ‘we’ in fries. 🍟🚫
What did the big flower say to the little flower? Hi, bud! 🌻👋
If my jeans could talk, they’d say, ‘Stop eating!’ 👖🍕
Some days, I amaze myself. Other days, I trip over my own feet. 🤦♂️🤣
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. 🤢🤔
Why do ducks always pay with cash? Because they don’t like bills! 🦆💵
😂 I need to save this one forever!
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field! 👨🌾🏆
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. ⏳🙃
Why did the orange stop? It ran out of juice! 🍊🔋
I hate when I’m singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong. 🎤🤷♀️
How does a lion greet other animals? Pleased to eat you! 🦁🍽️
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge? 🥪💡
What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad sandals! 🐸👡
When nothing goes right, go left. ⬅️💡
I dusted once. It came back. I’m not falling for that again. 🧹😆
Running late is my cardio. 🕒🏃♀️
I love naps. Like, I literally love them. They make me feel better about wasting the day. 😴🛏️
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose! 🐄🦶
I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days. 🗓️🍔
What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini! 🐑🚗
What does a zombie vegetarian eat? Graaains! 🧟♂️🌾
How do you know the ocean is friendly? It waves! 🌊👋
I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee. ☕📖
What kind of music do mummies like? Wrap music! 🎶🧻
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘coffee,’ and I’ll turn around. ☕🙋♀️
😆 Totally hilarious!
Why don’t elephants use computers? They’re afraid of the mouse! 🐘🖱️
Dear sleep, I’m sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back! 😴💔
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 💼💸
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. 😴🙃
Love this! Keep them coming! 😁
I told myself I should stop drinking, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself. 🍺😂
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose! 🐄🦶
I don’t know how to act my age because I’ve never been this age before. 🤔🎂
😆 This one really got me!
Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me—I’ll laugh at you. 😂📞
I’d rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea. 🥃☕
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce? Chicken Caesar salad! 🐔🥗
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep? 🛌💤
I’m on the gin and tonic diet. So far, I’ve lost two days. 🍸😂
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! ⚛️🤓
How does a bee brush its hair? With a honeycomb! 🐝🪮
😅 I’m still laughing!
😂 Can’t stop laughing!
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode. ⚡😴
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! 🌾🏅
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life. 💍😆
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one! ⛳👖
Why do elephants never use cell phones? Because they can’t fit them in their trunks! 🐘📱
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop. 💵🛍️
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 🚗💵
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. 🐟🍕
I feel like I should clean the house, so I’m going to lie down and nap until that feeling passes. 🧹🛌
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll let it go! 🎈❄️
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done. 😴
I think my guardian angel drinks. 😇🍷
The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary. 📖💼
Why do we press harder on the remote when the batteries are dying? 📺🔋
I wish everything was as easy as getting fat. 🍩😂
I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks. 🌍🤣
😆 Laughing so hard right now!
Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity. 😏🛡️
Exercise? I thought you said ‘extra fries’! 🍟😂
This one really got me, what a punchline! 😆
I can’t cook, but I can follow directions—so if I fail, it’s the recipe’s fault. 🍳🤷♂️
I thought growing old would take longer. 😄👵
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies? ✂️🧵
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish! 🦪😜
Is it just me or is ‘running errands’ starting to count as going out now? 🛒😂
What’s a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple! 🐱💜
Why did the picture go to jail? It was framed! 🖼️🚨
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest. 😅🏖️
What’s a cow’s favorite place to go? The moo-vies! 🐄🎥
I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. 🧩🤯
What do you call an owl that does magic? Hooo-dini! 🦉🎩
The older I get, the earlier it gets late. 🕰️😴
Some days I amaze myself. Other days, I put my keys in the fridge. 🔑🧊
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it! 🐘🌳
I’m not really a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that? 😎🔧
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and eat it. 🦞🍕
What did one wall say to the other? Meet you at the corner! 🧱😎
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. 😡🛌
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you do for fun. 🎮🤔
I have too many apps on my phone, but there’s no app to keep track of them. 📱😆
I’m still laughing, that was too good! 🤣
In my defense, I was left unsupervised. 🙆♂️😂
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about eating, I’d be rich… and probably still hungry. 🍕💵
Absolutely nailed it, what a joke! 😄
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers! 🥷👟
I’m not lazy; I’m just highly motivated to do nothing. 🛋️😆
I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making a few more. 🙈😜
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. 🍷🙏
I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. 🚉🤔
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside, too. 💄😜
Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken. 🧍♂️🤷♀️
I cleaned my house yesterday, which is odd because we still live in it today. 🏡🧼
I’m on a roll today. I ate 12 rolls. 🍞😂
Coffee: because adulting is hard. ☕👨💼
My hobbies include eating and complaining that I’m gaining weight. 🍕📏
I wish I was a kid again so everyone would be proud of me for taking a nap. 🛌😴
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts! 🦴😂
What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? Put it on my bill! 🦆💄
What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-ntain! 🐱⛰️
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener! 🥫🚫
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day. ☁️😎
Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they’re always stuffed! 🧸🍽️
How do bees get to school? By school buzz! 🐝🚌
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired! 🚲😅
😆 I’m dying over here!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut. 🥗🍩
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream right now. 🍦💸
My brain has too many tabs open. 💻🧠
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts. 💀🥋
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure. 🤷♀️
😆 Rolling on the floor!
How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card! 🐃💳
Why did the farmer win the lottery? Because he was outstanding in his field! 🌾💵
Why did the pirate go to school? To improve his arrrrr-ticulation! 🏴☠️📚
I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas. 💡😎
I’ve started using my kids as weights. That counts as working out, right? 🏋️♂️👶
😅 I needed that!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it! 👻🚫
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. 😁🦷
😆 Can’t stop laughing!
I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. 🧠🤯
Why don’t birds use Facebook? They already tweet! 🐦🐤
I told myself I should stop drinking, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself. 🍻🗣️
I don’t trip over things; I do random gravity checks. 🌍😅
I’m not short. I’m just concentrated awesome! 👌😂
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 📅🙅♂️
Why did the electrician break up with the light bulb? It was too high-maintenance! 💡💔
😁 This is an absolute gem of a joke!
I have a speed limit of 30 minutes per hour. 🐢⏳
I was having a bad day until I read this! 😅
You know you’re an adult when you get excited about things like ‘cleaning supplies.’ 🧼🛒
Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted! 🐆👀
😄 Pure comedy gold!
Exercise? I thought you said extra fries! 🍟🏋️♀️
I am so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed. 😴😂
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine clearly hasn’t tried chocolate. 🍫😂
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is ‘act natural, you’re innocent.’ 🏬😅
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells! 👀👃
I wasn’t born to ‘just get things done’—I was born to confuse people with my nonsense. 🤯🤪
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? 🚗😠
😂 Sharing right away!
Why did the man take his clock to the vet? It had ticks! 🕰️🐾
😂 I haven’t laughed this hard in a while!
You know you’re lazy when you get excited about canceling plans. 🛋️🎉
How do trees access the internet? They log in! 🌲💻
Dear math, I’m not a therapist. Solve your own problems. 📚🤯
😅 I had to share this with everyone!
How do you organize a space party? You planet! 🌌🪐
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘chocolate’ and I’ll turn around. 🍫🙋♀️
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like a troll? 🛏️🧌
Why did the teddy bear skip dessert? Because it was stuffed! 🧸🍰
😄 You got me!
This joke is going straight to my favorites! 😂
Why are ghosts bad at lying? Because they’re transparent! 👻🤥
Why was the broom late for work? It swept in! 🧹⏰
😃 This made me laugh out loud for real!
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. ⏰💼
You know you’re getting old when your candles cost more than your cake. 🎂🔥
Do I have a date tonight? Yes! April 24th. Does that count? 📅😆
I’m not weird, I’m limited edition. 🦄😜
🤣 That punchline was unexpected!
Sarcasm is my love language. 💬😏
What do you call a group of musical whales? An orca-stra! 🐋🎻
Why was the belt arrested? It held up a pair of pants! 👖🚨
My diet for today: 1% food, 99% excuses. 🍩🙃
I wonder how many calories I burn by jumping to conclusions. 🤔🤸♂️
If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off? 👠🤔
😂 So funny!
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look, no hands! ⏱️🙌
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed. 😴😆
😂 This joke just made my day!
🤣 This one got me good!
Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball! 👠⚽
I’ve got to save this one, too funny! 😆
I have a degree in sarcasm. 🎓😏
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 🙄👨💼
I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life. ⏱️😆
I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down! 📖😆
Wow, this joke is a total winner! 🏆
I needed this laugh, thanks for sharing! 😅
😄 What a joke!
I’m not shy. I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you. 🦸♂️😎
Haha, my sides hurt from laughing so much! 🤣
My phone battery lasts longer than most people at work. 📱💼
I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. 🤕🏠
I have a love-hate relationship with Mondays. I love to hate them. 😡📅
🤣 Sharing this with everyone!
At my age, I need glasses… just to find my glasses. 👓😜
😅 I’m still cracking up!
My dream job would be the karma delivery person. 🚚😈
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. 📚😆
I’m still cracking up, that was brilliant! 🤣
Why did the robot go on vacation? It needed to recharge! 🤖🔌
I want to be like a caterpillar: Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and wake up beautiful. 🦋🍴
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. 🏰🤣
What kind of haircuts do bees get? Buzz cuts! 🐝✂️
How does a dog stop a video? He presses the paws button! 🐕⏸️
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. 🥃🕰️
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs! 🐝🍯
I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me. 🙄🧍♂️
I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it. ☕❤️
Wow, these jokes are pure gold! 💰
How do construction workers party? They raise the roof! 👷♂️🏗️
My alone time is for everyone’s safety. 🚷😅
Life is like a roller coaster. And I’m stuck in the line for the bathroom. 🎢🚻
😆 Still cracking up!
What’s the hardest part about skydiving? The ground! 🪂🌍
Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well! 🍌🤒
How do you tell a vampire has a cold? By his coffin! 🧛♂️🤧
I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman, but have you ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room? 🦸♀️🤫
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? You think it’s R, but it be the C! 🏴☠️🌊
Why don’t koalas count as bears? They don’t have the koalifications! 🐨🎓
Why do soccer players do well in school? Because they know how to use their heads! ⚽🧠
Why don’t mountains get cold in the winter? They wear snowcaps! 🏔️❄️
What did the pencil say to the sharpener? Stop going in circles! ✏️📏
How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray! 🌮🙏
I need a six-month vacation, twice a year. 🏝️🕶️
I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop annoying me! 😡🛑
What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta! 🍝🤡
Life status: Currently holding it all together with one bobby pin. 💇♀️😆
😄 Perfect joke!
Why did the cat sit on the computer? To keep an eye on the mouse! 🐱🖱️
This joke is too funny, I’m sharing it with everyone! 😂
Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper makes them sneeze! 🐟🌊
Haha, this is the best laugh I’ve had all week! 😁
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court? Odor in the court! 🦨⚖️
Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead. 🧟♂️😅
🤣 Brilliant joke!
😂 I’m completely obsessed with this!
I had my patience tested. I’m negative. 😂⏳
Why did the musician bring a ladder to the concert? To reach the high notes! 🎶🎵
I’d exercise, but it makes me spill my coffee. ☕🏃♂️
Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had no body to go with him! 💀🕺
I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time. 🎧🤔
The only thing better than talking about food is eating it. 🍔🍴
What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream! 🎣📺
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged! ☕🚔
I like long walks—especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me. 🚶♂️👋
If life gives you lemons, freeze them and throw them at people who are annoying. 🍋😂
I don’t make mistakes. I date them. 💔😂
I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. 😖🛋️
I always give 100% at work—12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday… 📅😂
😂 This is too funny!
🤣 Didn’t see it coming!
Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me—I’ll laugh at you. 🤣📞
Why did the tree go to the dentist? It needed a root canal! 🌳🦷
What’s a pirate’s favorite exercise? The plank! 🏴☠️🦵
Why don’t we ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’? 🎱💰
Why did the phone break up with the charger? It couldn’t handle the power struggle! 📱🔋
Why do chickens sit on eggs? Because they don’t have chairs! 🐔🥚
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work! 🐄🔔
Why don’t we tell secrets in a cornfield? Too many ears! 🌽👂
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up! 🥚🤣
Brilliant! The timing was perfect! ⏰
What’s a pirate’s favorite vegetable? Arrrrtichoke! 🏴☠️🥬
😄 You got me good!
I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast. 🛏️🥞
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do. 🤔
My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry. 💸😭
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! 🐻🍬
😆 Bookmarking this!
What did the farmer say after losing his tractor? Where’s my tractor? 🚜🤷♂️
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row now. 🏋️♂️😆
What’s a pig’s favorite karate move? The pork chop! 🐷🥋
My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people know I’m not dead. 🛋️😂
I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at once. 🎧🤔
🤣 Sharing this right now!
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat. 🧍♂️🍔
Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll? 😴👹
I spend my whole day thinking about food and then I wonder why I’m gaining weight. 🍕😅
I like to pretend my dog understands me better than most humans. 🐕💬
I always carry a pen in my pocket, just in case someone gives me their autograph… on a check. ✍️💰
😁 Added to my favorites!
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy pizza, which is kind of the same thing. 🍕💸
😂 I’m seriously crying over here!
Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had the drumsticks! 🐔🥁
Why did the clock go to therapy? It had too many issues with time! 🕰️🛋️
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite! ⛄🧛♂️
Why don’t lobsters ever share? They’re too shellfish! 🦞🙅♂️
I haven’t even gone to bed yet, and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow. 🛌😆
I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right. 🤷♂️😎
😃 Instant mood boost!
Why don’t vampires like garlic? It’s a pain in the neck! 🧛♂️🧄
I love my computer because my friends live in it. 💻💖
This joke is a keeper for sure! 😁
How do you make a squid laugh? With ten-tickles! 🦑😂
I don’t care what the question is. The answer is pizza. 🍕🤤
What did the grape do when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine! 🍇🍷
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools! 🐠🏫
Don’t make me adult today. 😬🧸
Why was the math book always confused? It couldn’t figure anything out! 📘🤷♂️
😅 I’m still chuckling at this!
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. 🌞🌙
🤣 This joke is just too good!
Why don’t some fish play piano? Because you can’t tuna fish! 🐟🎹
I’m not late. I’m just early for tomorrow. ⏰😂
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. ⏳🏃♂️
Wine improves with age. The older I get, the more I like it. 🍷😎
This joke deserves an award! 🏆
🤣 Sending this now!
I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time. 🧠🎧
😄 Totally didn’t see that coming!
I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time. 🤯😜
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where’s popcorn? 🌽🍿
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. 🥃😂
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! 🥕🦜
😁 This just made my day!
If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your mom told you in the beginning. 👩👧🤷♂️
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash! 💵❄️
I would lose weight, but I don’t like losing. 🏋️♂️😆
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. 😁🦷
Some people wake up looking fabulous. I wake up looking for my phone. 📱😴
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure. 🤷♂️🤔
I am on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days. 📅🍔
I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me adult. 😬🧸
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug. 💑🤣
Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired! 🚴♀️😴
I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older… younger! 😆👶
Wine is to women as duct tape is to men—it fixes everything. 🍷😂
Why did the fisherman put peanut butter into the sea? To go with the jellyfish! 🥜🐙
😃 Mood instantly lifted!
I’m not saying I’m Batman, but you’ve never seen us in the same room together. 🦸♂️🦇
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I’ll go on ahead! 🎩🏃♂️
When nothing goes right, go left. ⬅️🧭
I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it. 🤪⏳
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. 😴💤
What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business! 🌶️🤭
Why can’t you trust stairs? Because they’re always up to something! 🛗🤔
I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 🛏️💇♂️
Why don’t koalas make great detectives? They’re terrible at following koal-ifications! 🐨🕵️♂️
😂 I can’t stop laughing at this one!
Why don’t skeletons go to scary movies? They don’t have the guts! 💀🎬
Why was the math teacher always so suspicious? She knew something didn’t add up! ➕🤨
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam! 🐠🚧
I’m not procrastinating, I’m just on a procrastination break. ⏳🙃
I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger. ❤️🍔
😄 I can’t even breathe, so funny!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? It felt crumby! 🍪🏥
If life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. 🍋👁️
I need to get in shape. If I were murdered right now, my chalk outline would be a circle. 🧍♀️🔵
I’m not bossy, I just know what you should be doing. 😎👩💼
😆 I’m literally in stitches right now!
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. 🛏️💭
I’m not overweight. I’m just under-tall. 🏋️♂️🤏
I didn’t see that punchline coming—hilarious! 🤣
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato! 🦘🥔
What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look, I’m changing! 🚦🚗
What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen! 🚗🥚
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses! 🥕🐰👓
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. ⏳😂
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll let it go! 🎈❄️
🤣 This one’s fire!
There’s no ‘we’ in fries. 🍟🤨
My bank account is like a waterfall. Just constant flow… of money going away. 💸🏞️
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer! 🐂💤
How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience! 🥒🥒
Thanks Ackyshine
They say ‘don’t try this at home,’ so I’m coming over to your house to try it. 🚶♂️🏡
The road to success is always under construction. 🚧🏗️
If you want your spouse to listen and pay attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 🛌💬
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste. 😜😎
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. ⏳🏃♂️
To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential. 💼🤣
Monday should be optional. 😴⏳
I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me adult. 🛌😬
I’m sorry, did I roll my eyes out loud? 🙄💬
What’s a frog’s favorite candy? Lollihops! 🐸🍭
Why are pirates great singers? Because they can hit the high Cs! 🏴☠️🎶
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman! ⛄💪
😂 I’m definitely stealing this one!
If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge? 🧀🌙
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut! 🐿️🌰
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you! 🌋❤️
If Monday had a face, I’d punch it. 🥊📅
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A woolly jumper! 🐑🦘
What’s the tallest building in the world? The library, because it has the most stories! 📚🏢
I don’t need to be perfect. I need to be caffeinated. ☕😆
Life is too short to remove USB safely. 🔌💻
Sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m busy being fabulous. 📞😎
Life is too short to wear boring socks. 🧦🎉
I run like the winded. 🏃♂️💨
I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face, but with words. 👊💬
Why did the watch break up with the clock? It found someone better for the time being! ⏰💔
Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity. 😜🛡️
I run like the winded. 🏃♀️😮💨
I’d give up sarcasm, but that leaves me speechless. 😏🤐
Sleep is my drug… my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police. 🛏️😴
This is pure comedy gold! 😄
I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge. 💖🍕
Just what I needed today! Thank you! 😜
I’m not weird; I’m limited edition. 😜🦄
I love long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me. 🚶♂️😜
My life feels like a test I didn’t study for. 📝🤯
😂 I’m sending this to everyone I know!
Haha! I couldn’t stop laughing at this one! 🤣
If you can’t handle me at my worst, just wait. It gets worse. 😂🤯
I’ve reached the age where my brain goes from ‘You probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘What the heck, let’s see what happens’. 🤷♂️🤭
Calories don’t count if you eat with friends. 🍰👯♂️
If lying was a job, I’d be on a Forbes list by now. 😇📝
Why did the calendar go to therapy? It had too many dates! 📅🛋️
I am one step away from being rich, all I need now is money. 💵🚶♂️
😂 Gotta save this!
I could give up chocolate, but I’m not a quitter. 🍫💪
What did the grape do when it got stepped on? Nothing but let out a little wine! 🍇🍷
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator! 🐊🕵️♂️
What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re pointless! 🔺⚪
😂 I can’t stop laughing!
My life is a constant battle between wanting to be healthy and eating cupcakes. 🧁🥗
I may be a little quiet, but I have so many thoughts running through my mind that I’m talking to myself non-stop. 🗣️💭
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! 🤧💃
What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop! 🐷🥋
Some days, I amaze myself. Other days, I look for my phone while I’m talking on it. 📱🤦♀️
I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food. 🍔💻
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing. 🏃♂️😴
My house was clean last week. Sorry you missed it. 🏡🙃
🤣 I’m literally dying of laughter!
What’s a snowman’s favorite snack? Ice Krispies! ⛄🍚
😄 You totally won the internet today!
I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 🛏️💇♂️
😅 Needed this laugh, thanks!
😆 Saving this one!
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. 🦩😂
Why don’t bananas ever get lonely? They hang out in bunches! 🍌👯♂️
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits! 👨⚖️👔
I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. 🚉😅
I can’t believe how funny this is! 😂
I can resist anything except temptation. 😈😅
😁 This is gold!
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk! 🪰🚶♂️
What’s a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling! 🧙♀️📖
What’s brown and sticky? A stick! 🌿😂
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y. 🔠🤔
What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep? A stega-snore-us! 🦕😴
If I won the award for laziness, I would send someone to pick it up for me. 🏆😴
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. 🤷♂️😅
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Poop! 💩🎤
Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel! 🍌🌞
What do you get when you cross a dog with a phone? A golden receiver! 🐕📞
😁 Definitely my new go-to joke!
I don’t care if the glass is half full or half empty. I’m just glad it’s not a shot glass. 🥃🍹
Absolutely hilarious! Can’t get enough! 😂
Why don’t basketball players ever go on vacation? They’re afraid of traveling! 🏀✈️
Why did I wake up tired? I went to bed tired. 🛌😴
If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. 🪂❌
This just made my coffee break so much better! ☕😆
Why are skeletons so calm? Nothing gets under their skin! 💀😌
I can’t wait to tell this joke at my next party! 🎉
I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long. 🤷♂️😂
I’ve got to remember this one for later! 😆
This joke just turned my whole mood around! 😃
😅 I needed that laugh!
I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, gyrated, and jumped. And then I got stuck in my leotard. 🩳😂
😄 Nailed it!
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems. 📚😭
What kind of dog can tell time? A watch dog! 🐕⏰
Why does cooking take six hours, but eating takes like three seconds? ⏲️🍽️
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies! 🧹🎉
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. 🧁🤲
Why don’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless! ✏️😜
What did the duck say when it bought a snack? Put it on my bill! 🦆🍿
I don’t sweat—I sparkle! ✨😅
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. 🕒✈️
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode. 💤🔋
I can’t brain today. I has the dumb. 🧠🤯
Why don’t scientists trust stairs? They’re always leading you up to something! 🧪🪜
I used to have superpowers, but my therapist took them away. 🦸♀️😅
Don’t give up on your dreams, keep sleeping! 😴💤
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. 😲👀
I’m not bossy, I’m the boss. Big difference. 😎👩💼
🤣 Pure genius!
😁 Best laugh of the day!
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus! 🖥️🤒
I am not lazy, I am on power-saving mode. ⚡😌
I’ve tried yoga, but I find stress less boring. 🧘♂️😆
I don’t procrastinate; I reschedule. 🗓️😜
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza. 🍕🤷♂️
😁 This made my day!
What did one plate say to the other? Lunch is on me! 🍽️🍽️
😂 This is a keeper!
Why did the golfer bring a spare pencil? In case he got a hole in one! ⛳✏️
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me. 🎭🦸♂️
😂 I’m dying!
I don’t need a mood ring; I have a face. 😐💬
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring. So, I go back to being me. 🦸♂️💪
Why do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales! 🐟⚖️
What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie! 🥕😡
If Monday had a face, I’d punch it. 🥊📆
How does a computer get drunk? It takes screenshots! 💻🍺
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad! 🐸🚗
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee? Bah-humbug! 🐑🐝
🤣 This joke is too good!
I’m on a 24-hour coffee break. ☕⏳
😆 I’m still laughing, can’t stop!
My hobbies include eating and complaining that I’m gaining weight. 🍔📏
How does a vampire start a letter? Tomb it may concern… 🧛♂️✉️
I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong. 🤷♂️😆
Coffee: because adulting is hard. 😩☕
I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up: a kid again. 👶🤣
I don’t need an inspirational quote, I need coffee. ☕📖
😂 Can’t wait to share this!
It’s not that I’m lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing. 🛋️😂
Why are ghosts such bad liars? You can see right through them! 👻😜
Classic! I’m still laughing! 😄
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels! 🥯🌊
What’s a snake’s favorite subject in school? Hiss-tory! 🐍📚
I need a six-month vacation, twice a year. 🏝️😅
Dieting is wishful shrinking. 🍩😆
The best part of going to work is coming back home. 🏡💼
The bags under my eyes are Chanel. 👜😂
Why did the smartphone need glasses? It lost all its contacts! 📱👓
🤣 That twist at the end, though!
Who needs a superhero when you have a mom? 🦸♀️❤️
Why did the music teacher go to jail? She got caught with too many notes! 🎼👮♀️
Haha, this joke is a keeper! 📌
Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish! 🦪💰
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing! 🍅👗
Sometimes I talk to myself. Then we both laugh. 😂👥
I put the ‘pro’ in procrastination. 🏆😴
I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee. ☕📜
What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-na! 🎹🍌
If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life vest… I would miss you so much. 🛳️💦
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is on the inside. 🥶🍰
Why don’t ants get sick? They have tiny ant-bodies! 🐜💉
I’m definitely telling this one to my friends! 😄
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed. 😴😄
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs! 💀🍖
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do. 🤔💬
When I said I’d do it later, I didn’t mean tomorrow. I meant next year. 📅😆
What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? A blood orange! 🧛♂️🍊
What do you call a bear that’s stuck in the rain? A drizzly bear! 🐻🌧️
I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long. 🤷♂️😂
I’ve had my patience tested. I’m negative. 😜⏳
This joke just made my day—hilarious! 🤣
Why don’t melons get married? Because they cantaloupe! 🍈💍
🤣 This joke just made my whole day!
Sometimes I drink water—just to surprise my liver. 🥤😂
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together! 🐧🏠
Why are spiders great at websites? Because they’re always catching bugs! 🕷️💻
How do cows stay up to date? They read the moos-paper! 🐄📰
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up! 🛝🤣
What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador! 🐕✨
😆 I’m bookmarking this for later!
If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel. 🔥😅
How do you organize a space party? You planet! 🚀🎉
What’s black, white, and read all over? A newspaper! 📰🖤
If Monday had a face, I’d punch it. 🥊📅
I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? 😏🤔
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. 🪑✋
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 👀🧹
What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert? Boo-berry pie! 👻🥧
I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time. 🤯🤪
Why did the frog sit on the computer? To hop on the internet! 🐸💻
I’m on the ‘I-just-ate’ diet. It’s working perfectly. 🍕💪
Why don’t sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny! 🦈🤡
Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said. 😜💬
This joke was on point! Love it! 🎯
😆 That punchline was epic!
This is the kind of joke you don’t forget! 😂
I would lose weight, but I hate losing. 😂🏆
😄 Too good!
Hilarious! This one’s going into my favorites! 😄
😄 This is pure brilliance!
Chocolate is the answer. Who cares what the question is? 🍫❓
I need six months of vacation, twice a year. 🏖️😂
😆 That punchline!
I hate when I’m singing along to a song and the artist gets the words wrong. 🎤🎶
What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing, they just waved! 🌊👋
I’ve found the recipe for happiness. Can someone just send me some money to buy the ingredients? 💸😆
Why don’t skeletons play music in church? Because they don’t have organs! ⛪🎶
😂 I’m saving this one!
I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me. 🚶♂️😜
🤣 Didn’t see that coming!
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. 📚✍️
I’m not late. I’m just very early for tomorrow. ⏰😂
What do you call a snowman’s dog? A slush puppy! ⛄🐕
Why don’t skeletons go to parties? They have no body to dance with! 🦴🎉
What do you call a skeleton who won’t work? Lazy bones! 💀😴
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick! 🪃🌿
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it! 💧🔥
I’m definitely sharing this with my friends! 😆
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? You’re too young to smoke! 🏠🚭
Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish! 🦀💰
How do you throw a space party? You planet! 🪐🎉
Why did the golfer bring extra socks? In case he got a hole in one! 🧦⛳
I wish I were a little kid so I could take a long nap and everyone would be proud of me. 🍼😴
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine! 🍇🍷
I don’t understand why people say hurtful things like ‘I don’t even know you.’ We’ve been Facebook friends for two years! 📱😆
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. ‘Alright, get in the basket’. 🚲👮♂️
I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong. 🤔🤷♂️
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house? The living room! 💀🛋️
I haven’t lost my mind. It’s backed up on a hard drive somewhere. 💾🤯
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese! 🧀🤣
If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. 🚪😆
You can’t make everyone happy. You are not a taco. 🌮🤷♂️
I’m not really lazy. I’m just on my energy-saving mode. 💡😴
Why did the man put his money in the blender? He wanted to make some liquid assets! 💸🍹