What dies but never lives? A battery! 🔋
Explanation: A battery is a funny answer to this riddle because it eventually dies out of power, but it never actually lived or had a life in the first place. Plus, we all know the frustration of a dead battery when we need it the most! 😄🔋
Why did the frog sit on the computer? To hop on the internet! 🐸💻
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells! 👀👃
I need a six-month vacation, twice a year. 🏝️🕶️
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is on the inside. 🥶🍰
What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini! 🐑🚗
I run like the winded. 🏃♂️💨
Why do we press harder on the remote when the batteries are dying? 📺🔋
I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. 🧩🤯
Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll? 😴👹
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. 🛏️💭
I wasn’t born to ‘just get things done’—I was born to confuse people with my nonsense. 🤯🤪
What did the duck say when it bought a snack? Put it on my bill! 🦆🍿
I have a love-hate relationship with Mondays. I love to hate them. 😡📅
Why don’t skeletons go to parties? They have no body to dance with! 🦴🎉
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! 🐻🍬
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. 🥃😂
I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life. ⏱️😆
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest. 😅🏖️
I like long walks—especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me. 🚶♂️👋
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 🚗💵
I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me. 🙄🧍♂️
How do construction workers party? They raise the roof! 👷♂️🏗️
I’m not bossy, I’m the boss. Big difference. 😎👩💼
😄 This is pure brilliance!
Life is too short to wear boring socks. 🧦🎉
Wine improves with age. The older I get, the more I like it. 🍷😎
Life is like a roller coaster. And I’m stuck in the line for the bathroom. 🎢🚻
This joke just made my day—hilarious! 🤣
😂 I’m definitely stealing this one!
I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. 🧠🤯
Some days I amaze myself. Other days, I put my keys in the fridge. 🔑🧊
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired! 🚲😅
Why are skeletons so calm? Nothing gets under their skin! 💀😌
Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken. 🧍♂️🤷♀️
Life is too short to remove USB safely. 🔌💻
I told myself I should stop drinking, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself. 🍺😂
🤣 Sharing this with everyone!
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose! 🐄🦶
I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down! 📖😆
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. 🤷♂️😅
Why did the calendar go to therapy? It had too many dates! 📅🛋️
I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 🛏️💇♂️
Why don’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless! ✏️😜
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut. 🥗🍩
😁 This made my day!
I’m definitely sharing this with my friends! 😆
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode. ⚡😴
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts. 💀🥋
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. 🏰🤣
I didn’t see that punchline coming—hilarious! 🤣
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee? Bah-humbug! 🐑🐝
I haven’t lost my mind. It’s backed up on a hard drive somewhere. 💾🤯
What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta! 🍝🤡
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. 😁🦷
Some people wake up looking fabulous. I wake up looking for my phone. 📱😴
What’s a snake’s favorite subject in school? Hiss-tory! 🐍📚
Why don’t sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny! 🦈🤡
🤣 Brilliant joke!
😆 I’m dying over here!
Why did the electrician break up with the light bulb? It was too high-maintenance! 💡💔
I’m not really lazy. I’m just on my energy-saving mode. 💡😴
Absolutely nailed it, what a joke! 😄
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy pizza, which is kind of the same thing. 🍕💸
What did one wall say to the other? Meet you at the corner! 🧱😎
Why did the phone break up with the charger? It couldn’t handle the power struggle! 📱🔋
I’ve had my patience tested. I’m negative. 😜⏳
I can’t brain today. I has the dumb. 🧠🤯
I feel like I should clean the house, so I’m going to lie down and nap until that feeling passes. 🧹🛌
I hate when I’m singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong. 🎤🤷♀️
I can’t wait to tell this joke at my next party! 🎉
Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish! 🦀💰
What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie! 🥕😡
Absolutely hilarious! Can’t get enough! 😂
Why are pirates great singers? Because they can hit the high Cs! 🏴☠️🎶
I don’t understand why people say hurtful things like ‘I don’t even know you.’ We’ve been Facebook friends for two years! 📱😆
😆 Rolling on the floor!
My dream job would be the karma delivery person. 🚚😈
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it! 👻🚫
😅 I’m still chuckling at this!
My hobbies include eating and complaining that I’m gaining weight. 🍔📏
I wonder how many calories I burn by jumping to conclusions. 🤔🤸♂️
I can resist anything except temptation. 😈😅
Why don’t skeletons play music in church? Because they don’t have organs! ⛪🎶
I could give up chocolate, but I’m not a quitter. 🍫💪
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? 🚗😠
I’m still cracking up, that was brilliant! 🤣
How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience! 🥒🥒
What did the grape do when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine! 🍇🍷
Exercise? I thought you said extra fries! 🍟🏋️♀️
I wish everything was as easy as getting fat. 🍔😆
How do you organize a space party? You planet! 🌌🪐
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? You’re too young to smoke! 🏠🚭
I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me adult. 😬🧸
I’m not late. I’m just early for tomorrow. ⏰😂
😃 This made me laugh out loud for real!
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you! 🌋❤️
Why did the baker go to therapy? He had too much on his plate! 🍰🛋️
Dieting is wishful shrinking. 🍩😆
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together! 🐧🏠
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. 📚😆
Monday should be optional. 😴⏳
I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge. 💖🍕
I’m not weird; I’m limited edition. 😜🦄
Why did the golfer bring a spare pencil? In case he got a hole in one! ⛳✏️
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits! 👨⚖️👔
Why did the picture go to jail? It was framed! 🖼️🚨
How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card! 🐃💳
They say ‘don’t try this at home,’ so I’m coming over to your house to try it. 🚶♂️🏡
I don’t need an inspirational quote, I need coffee. ☕📖
😂 This joke just made my day!
If I won the award for laziness, I would send someone to pick it up for me. 🏆😴
Wow, these jokes are pure gold! 💰
You know you’re lazy when you get excited about canceling plans. 🛋️🎉
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it! 💧🔥
Why don’t koalas make great detectives? They’re terrible at following koal-ifications! 🐨🕵️♂️
Classic! I’m still laughing! 😄
I thought growing old would take longer. 😄👵
Why don’t bananas ever get lonely? They hang out in bunches! 🍌👯♂️
I’d give up sarcasm, but that leaves me speechless. 😏🤐
🤣 Pure genius!
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses! 🥕🐰👓
Why don’t we tell secrets in a cornfield? Too many ears! 🌽👂
😂 I haven’t laughed this hard in a while!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up! 🛝🤣
My alone time is for everyone’s safety. 🚷😅
I can’t believe how funny this is! 😂
I need a six-month vacation, twice a year. 🏝️😅
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts! 🦴😂
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is ‘act natural, you’re innocent.’ 🏬😅
I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast. 🛏️🥞
Why do soccer players do well in school? Because they know how to use their heads! ⚽🧠
What’s the hardest part about skydiving? The ground! 🪂🌍
Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead. 🧟♂️😅
Why was the broom late for work? It swept in! 🧹⏰
I’m still laughing, that was too good! 🤣
What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad sandals! 🐸👡
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. 🧁🤲
I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying! ✈️📱
Why are spiders great at websites? Because they’re always catching bugs! 🕷️💻
How does a bee brush its hair? With a honeycomb! 🐝🪮
😁 This is an absolute gem of a joke!
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure. 🤷♂️🤔
What did the farmer say after losing his tractor? Where’s my tractor? 🚜🤷♂️
I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long. 🤷♂️😂
Why did the clock go to therapy? It had too many issues with time! 🕰️🛋️
Sleep is my drug… my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police. 🛏️😴
Some days, I amaze myself. Other days, I trip over my own feet. 🤦♂️🤣
What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh! 🐟👁️
My hobbies include eating and complaining that I’m gaining weight. 🍕📏
If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. 🚪😆
I wish I were a little kid so I could take a long nap and everyone would be proud of me. 🍼😴
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep? 🛌💤
😆 That punchline was epic!
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? You think it’s R, but it be the C! 🏴☠️🌊
😆 Bookmarking this!
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 👀🧹
😁 This just made my day!
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! 🌾🏅
😆 This one really got me!
If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your mom told you in the beginning. 👩👧🤷♂️
What’s a frog’s favorite candy? Lollihops! 🐸🍭
Why don’t ants get sick? They have tiny ant-bodies! 🐜💉
😄 Nailed it!
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. 🕒✈️
Why do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales! 🐟⚖️
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y. 🔠🤔
I have a degree in sarcasm. 🎓😏
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do. 🤔
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. 🪑✋
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream right now. 🍦💸
Thanks Ackyshine
If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. 🪂❌
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite! ⛄🧛♂️
When nothing goes right, go left. ⬅️💡
To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential. 💼🤣
I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older… younger! 😆👶
How do bees get to school? By school buzz! 🐝🚌
Haha, my sides hurt from laughing so much! 🤣
Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me—I’ll laugh at you. 😂📞
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste. 😜😎
When I said I’d do it later, I didn’t mean tomorrow. I meant next year. 📅😆
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? It felt crumby! 🍪🏥
😁 Added to my favorites!
Why don’t mountains get cold in the winter? They wear snowcaps! 🏔️❄️
What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert? Boo-berry pie! 👻🥧
😆 I’m literally in stitches right now!
I need to get in shape. If I were murdered right now, my chalk outline would be a circle. 🧍♀️🔵
Why don’t birds use Facebook? They already tweet! 🐦🐤
I was having a bad day until I read this! 😅
I have a speed limit of 30 minutes per hour. 🐢⏳
I’m on the ‘I-just-ate’ diet. It’s working perfectly. 🍕💪
😂 Can’t wait to share this!
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A woolly jumper! 🐑🦘
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life. 💍😆
I don’t procrastinate; I reschedule. 🗓️😜
In my defense, I was left unsupervised. 🙆♂️😂
😄 What a joke!
My brain has too many tabs open. 💻🧠
😂 I’m dying!
The road to success is always under construction. 🚧🏗️
What do you call a bear that’s stuck in the rain? A drizzly bear! 🐻🌧️
I’m definitely telling this one to my friends! 😄
😂 So funny!
I don’t know how to act my age because I’ve never been this age before. 🤔🎂
What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop! 🐷🥋
😅 I’m still cracking up!
I don’t care if the glass is half full or half empty. I’m just glad it’s not a shot glass. 🥃🍹
I used to have superpowers, but my therapist took them away. 🦸♀️😅
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. 🤢🤔
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one! ⛳👖
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field! 👨🌾🏆
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener! 🥫🚫
What’s brown and sticky? A stick! 🌿😂
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done. 😴
Love this! Keep them coming! 😁
I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong. 🤷♂️😆
At my age, I need glasses… just to find my glasses. 👓😜
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. ⏳🏃♂️
Haha! I couldn’t stop laughing at this one! 🤣
🤣 I’m literally dying of laughter!
My house was clean last week. Sorry you missed it. 🏡🙃
If Monday had a face, I’d punch it. 🥊📅
If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off? 👠🤔
Why did the tree go to the dentist? It needed a root canal! 🌳🦷
I wish everything was as easy as getting fat. 🍩😂
I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, gyrated, and jumped. And then I got stuck in my leotard. 🩳😂
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Poop! 💩🎤
I am so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed. 😴😂
Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had the drumsticks! 🐔🥁
Sarcasm is my love language. 💬😏
This is pure comedy gold! 😄
😃 Mood instantly lifted!
What kind of haircuts do bees get? Buzz cuts! 🐝✂️
Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity. 😜🛡️
I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right. 🤷♂️😎
😄 I can’t even breathe, so funny!
What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-ntain! 🐱⛰️
I’ve found the recipe for happiness. Can someone just send me some money to buy the ingredients? 💸😆
Why did the musician bring a ladder to the concert? To reach the high notes! 🎶🎵
Why don’t we ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’? 🎱💰
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers! 🥷👟
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house? The living room! 💀🛋️
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. 😲👀
😂 Gotta save this!
I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up: a kid again. 👶🤣
If you can’t handle me at my worst, just wait. It gets worse. 😂🤯
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam! 🐠🚧
I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee. ☕📖
😂 This is too funny!
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure. 🤷♀️
Is it just me or is ‘running errands’ starting to count as going out now? 🛒😂
😂 I can’t stop laughing at this one!
This just made my coffee break so much better! ☕😆
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza. 🍕🤷♂️
😂 I’m completely obsessed with this!
This joke is going straight to my favorites! 😂
What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? Put it on my bill! 🦆💄
Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish! 🦪💰
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! ⚛️🤓
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look, no hands! ⏱️🙌
How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray! 🌮🙏
😄 You got me good!
Why do chickens sit on eggs? Because they don’t have chairs! 🐔🥚
Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said. 😜💬
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator! 🐊🕵️♂️
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut! 🐿️🌰
I always carry a pen in my pocket, just in case someone gives me their autograph… on a check. ✍️💰
What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-na! 🎹🍌
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce? Chicken Caesar salad! 🐔🥗
Running is great. Unless you faint. 🏃♀️🥵
The best part of going to work is coming back home. 🏡💼
I’m on a roll today. I ate 12 rolls. 🍞😂
What’s a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling! 🧙♀️📖
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. 📚✍️
I dusted once. It came back. I’m not falling for that again. 🧹😆
Why did the pirate go to school? To improve his arrrrr-ticulation! 🏴☠️📚
I always give 100% at work—12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday… 📅😂
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row now. 🏋️♂️😆
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. 😴💤
I love my computer because my friends live in it. 💻💖
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed. 😴😄
I’m not saying I’m Batman, but you’ve never seen us in the same room together. 🦸♂️🦇
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed. 😴😆
I am one step away from being rich, all I need now is money. 💵🚶♂️
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. 🐟🍕
😆 Totally hilarious!
🤣 Didn’t see that coming!
I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch it for hours. 💻🛋️
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. ⏳😂
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like a troll? 🛏️🧌
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day. ☁️😎
This joke just turned my whole mood around! 😃
Why was the belt arrested? It held up a pair of pants! 👖🚨
Why don’t some fish play piano? Because you can’t tuna fish! 🐟🎹
I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop annoying me! 😡🛑
😃 Instant mood boost!
I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. 🤕🏠
I’ve got to save this one, too funny! 😆
Sometimes I talk to myself. Then we both laugh. 😂👥
Brilliant! The timing was perfect! ⏰
Coffee: because adulting is hard. 😩☕
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus! 🖥️🤒
😄 Totally didn’t see that coming!
What do you get when you cross a dog with a phone? A golden receiver! 🐕📞
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode. 💤🔋
What’s a pig’s favorite karate move? The pork chop! 🐷🥋
My bank account is like a waterfall. Just constant flow… of money going away. 💸🏞️
If Monday had a face, I’d punch it. 🥊📆
I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. 😖🛋️
I don’t care what the question is. The answer is pizza. 🍕🤤
I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? 😏🤔
What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep? A stega-snore-us! 🦕😴
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you do for fun. 🎮🤔
I’m not shy. I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you. 🦸♂️😎
😂 I need to save this one forever!
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where’s popcorn? 🌽🍿
I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at once. 🎧🤔
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose! 🐄🦶
😂 This is a keeper!
I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me adult. 🛌😬
I think my guardian angel drinks. 😇🍷
I don’t sweat—I sparkle! ✨😅
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing. 🏃♂️😴
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. 🌞🌙
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies! 🧹🎉
Why did the music teacher go to jail? She got caught with too many notes! 🎼👮♀️
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll let it go! 🎈❄️
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels! 🥯🌊
I wish I was a kid again so everyone would be proud of me for taking a nap. 🛌😴
Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball! 👠⚽
The older I get, the earlier it gets late. 🕰️😴
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop. 💵🛍️
I’m not late. I’m just very early for tomorrow. ⏰😂
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. 😁🦷
I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong. 🤔🤷♂️
I spend my whole day thinking about food and then I wonder why I’m gaining weight. 🍕😅
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish! 🦪😜
😅 I needed that!
😅 I had to share this with everyone!
Why did the golfer bring extra socks? In case he got a hole in one! 🧦⛳
😂 Can’t stop laughing!
🤣 This joke is too good!
I’ve started using my kids as weights. That counts as working out, right? 🏋️♂️👶
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 🙄👨💼
😁 Best laugh of the day!
I may be a little quiet, but I have so many thoughts running through my mind that I’m talking to myself non-stop. 🗣️💭
If life gives you lemons, freeze them and throw them at people who are annoying. 🍋😂
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk! 🪰🚶♂️
There’s no ‘we’ in fries. 🍟🚫
Wine is to women as duct tape is to men—it fixes everything. 🍷😂
This joke is too funny, I’m sharing it with everyone! 😂
My phone battery lasts longer than most people at work. 📱💼
😂 Sharing right away!
😄 Too good!
Why did the smartphone need glasses? It lost all its contacts! 📱👓
My diet for today: 1% food, 99% excuses. 🍩🙃
Why did the teddy bear skip dessert? Because it was stuffed! 🧸🍰
Sometimes I drink water—just to surprise my liver. 🥤😂
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug. 💑🤣
My life feels like a test I didn’t study for. 📝🤯
Why can’t you trust stairs? Because they’re always up to something! 🛗🤔
Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well! 🍌🤒
😆 Still cracking up!
Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel! 🍌🌞
What’s a cow’s favorite place to go? The moo-vies! 🐄🎥
I would lose weight, but I hate losing. 😂🏆
I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time. 🤯🤪
What does a zombie vegetarian eat? Graaains! 🧟♂️🌾
😆 I’m still laughing, can’t stop!
I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it. 🤪⏳
How does a polar bear build its house? Igloos it together! 🐻❄️🏠
If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life vest… I would miss you so much. 🛳️💦
I haven’t even gone to bed yet, and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow. 🛌😆
😅 I needed that laugh!
Why are ghosts such bad liars? You can see right through them! 👻😜
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge? 🥪💡
😅 Needed this laugh, thanks!
Just what I needed today! Thank you! 😜
🤣 This one got me good!
What did the pencil say to the sharpener? Stop going in circles! ✏️📏
I like to pretend my dog understands me better than most humans. 🐕💬
Exercise? I thought you said ‘extra fries’! 🍟😂
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘chocolate’ and I’ll turn around. 🍫🙋♀️
Calories don’t count if you eat with friends. 🍰👯♂️
What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen! 🚗🥚
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. ⏳🙃
Why don’t vampires like garlic? It’s a pain in the neck! 🧛♂️🧄
I smile because I don’t know what’s going on. 😁🤷♂️
What’s a snowman’s favorite snack? Ice Krispies! ⛄🍚
Do I have a date tonight? Yes! April 24th. Does that count? 📅😆
Who needs a superhero when you have a mom? 🦸♀️❤️
I had my patience tested. I’m negative. 😂⏳
What’s a pirate’s favorite exercise? The plank! 🏴☠️🦵
What do you call an owl that does magic? Hooo-dini! 🦉🎩
Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired! 🚴♀️😴
I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days. 🗓️🍔
😂 I’m saving this one!
Why don’t elephants use computers? They’re afraid of the mouse! 🐘🖱️
Why don’t melons get married? Because they cantaloupe! 🍈💍
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs! 🐝🍯
My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people know I’m not dead. 🛋️😂
I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me. 🚶♂️😜
I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food. 🍔💻
🤣 That twist at the end, though!
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems. 📚😭
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat. 🧍♂️🍔
How do you tell a vampire has a cold? By his coffin! 🧛♂️🤧
What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? A blood orange! 🧛♂️🍊
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me. 🎭🦸♂️
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. 🦩😂
Why did the farmer win the lottery? Because he was outstanding in his field! 🌾💵
You can’t make everyone happy. You are not a taco. 🌮🤷♂️
🤣 This joke just made my whole day!
😆 Saving this one!
I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. 🚉😅
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. 🪂🤣
I don’t need to be perfect. I need to be caffeinated. ☕😆
I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger. ❤️🍔
I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee. ☕📜
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court? Odor in the court! 🦨⚖️
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work! 🐄🔔
What did the big flower say to the little flower? Hi, bud! 🌻👋
How do trees access the internet? They log in! 🌲💻
Why don’t scientists trust stairs? They’re always leading you up to something! 🧪🪜
I’ve tried yoga, but I find stress less boring. 🧘♂️😆
I’m not lazy; I’m just highly motivated to do nothing. 🛋️😆
What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador! 🐕✨
What did one plate say to the other? Lunch is on me! 🍽️🍽️
I’d rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea. 🥃☕
Why don’t skeletons go to scary movies? They don’t have the guts! 💀🎬
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. ⏰💼
How do you throw a space party? You planet! 🪐🎉
What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re pointless! 🔺⚪
😁 This is gold!
Don’t give up on your dreams, keep sleeping! 😴💤
I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 🛏️💇♂️
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 💼💸
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. ‘Alright, get in the basket’. 🚲👮♂️
🤣 Didn’t see it coming!
😆 I’m bookmarking this for later!
Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity. 😏🛡️
How do cows stay up to date? They read the moos-paper! 🐄📰
There’s no ‘we’ in fries. 🍟🤨
Why did the cat sit on the computer? To keep an eye on the mouse! 🐱🖱️
What do you call a skeleton who won’t work? Lazy bones! 💀😴
😂 I can’t stop laughing!
I needed this laugh, thanks for sharing! 😅
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash! 💵❄️
What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business! 🌶️🤭
Why do ducks always pay with cash? Because they don’t like bills! 🦆💵
It’s not that I’m lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing. 🛋️😂
I’m not weird, I’m limited edition. 🦄😜
How does a computer get drunk? It takes screenshots! 💻🍺
You know you’re getting old when your candles cost more than your cake. 🎂🔥
I am on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days. 📅🍔
How does a dog stop a video? He presses the paws button! 🐕⏸️
🤣 This joke is just too good!
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine! 🍇🍷
Why are ghosts bad at lying? Because they’re transparent! 👻🤥
Life status: Currently holding it all together with one bobby pin. 💇♀️😆
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. 😡🛌
I don’t need a mood ring; I have a face. 😐💬
What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream! 🎣📺
Why did the man take his clock to the vet? It had ticks! 🕰️🐾
What did the grape do when it got stepped on? Nothing but let out a little wine! 🍇🍷
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle. 🍰😂
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. 🍷🙏
😄 You got me!
Hilarious! This one’s going into my favorites! 😄
This joke is a keeper for sure! 😁
I’d exercise, but it makes me spill my coffee. ☕🏃♂️
I’m not procrastinating, I’m just on a procrastination break. ⏳🙃
Why don’t basketball players ever go on vacation? They’re afraid of traveling! 🏀✈️
Why was the math teacher always so suspicious? She knew something didn’t add up! ➕🤨
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad! 🐸🚗
I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks. 🌍🤣
The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary. 📖💼
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it! 🐘🌳
I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time. 🧠🎧
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about eating, I’d be rich… and probably still hungry. 🍕💵
Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper makes them sneeze! 🐟🌊
I’m not overweight. I’m just under-tall. 🏋️♂️🤏
I’m on a 24-hour coffee break. ☕⏳
Wow, this joke is a total winner! 🏆
Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had no body to go with him! 💀🕺
Why did the man put his money in the blender? He wanted to make some liquid assets! 💸🍹
I have too many apps on my phone, but there’s no app to keep track of them. 📱😆
I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it. ☕❤️
I’ve got to remember this one for later! 😆
Some days, I amaze myself. Other days, I look for my phone while I’m talking on it. 📱🤦♀️
I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time. 🤯😜
I’m not bossy, I just know what you should be doing. 😎👩💼
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll let it go! 🎈❄️
😄 You totally won the internet today!
Why does cooking take six hours, but eating takes like three seconds? ⏲️🍽️
What kind of dog can tell time? A watch dog! 🐕⏰
Dear math, I’m not a therapist. Solve your own problems. 📚🤯
🤣 This one’s fire!
I don’t make mistakes. I date them. 💔😂
I’m on the gin and tonic diet. So far, I’ve lost two days. 🍸😂
😄 Pure comedy gold!
I’ve reached the age where my brain goes from ‘You probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘What the heck, let’s see what happens’. 🤷♂️🤭
I don’t trip over things; I do random gravity checks. 🌍😅
This one really got me, what a punchline! 😆
I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. 🚉🤔
I told myself I should stop drinking, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself. 🍻🗣️
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 📅🙅♂️
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged! ☕🚔
If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge? 🧀🌙
I want to be like a caterpillar: Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and wake up beautiful. 🦋🍴
The bags under my eyes are Chanel. 👜😂
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. ⏳🏃♂️
What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look, I’m changing! 🚦🚗
I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making a few more. 🙈😜
Why did the robot go on vacation? It needed to recharge! 🤖🔌
Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me—I’ll laugh at you. 🤣📞
😂 I’m sending this to everyone I know!
This joke deserves an award! 🏆
What do you call a snowman’s dog? A slush puppy! ⛄🐕
You know you’re an adult when you get excited about things like ‘cleaning supplies.’ 🧼🛒
I’m not really a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that? 😎🔧
I run like the winded. 🏃♀️😮💨
What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing, they just waved! 🌊👋
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman! ⛄💪
If Monday had a face, I’d punch it. 🥊📅
😆 That punchline!
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools! 🐠🏫
🤣 That punchline was unexpected!
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do. 🤔💬
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato! 🦘🥔
What’s a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple! 🐱💜
I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas. 💡😎
Why don’t lobsters ever share? They’re too shellfish! 🦞🙅♂️
How do you know the ocean is friendly? It waves! 🌊👋
Why did the fisherman put peanut butter into the sea? To go with the jellyfish! 🥜🐙
If life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. 🍋👁️
😁 Definitely my new go-to joke!
Haha, this joke is a keeper! 📌
Why don’t koalas count as bears? They don’t have the koalifications! 🐨🎓
The only thing better than talking about food is eating it. 🍔🍴
I need six months of vacation, twice a year. 🏖️😂
I’m not short. I’m just concentrated awesome! 👌😂
I put the ‘pro’ in procrastination. 🏆😴
😄 Perfect joke!
This is the kind of joke you don’t forget! 😂
😆 Can’t stop laughing!
I cleaned my house yesterday, which is odd because we still live in it today. 🏡🧼
What do you call a group of musical whales? An orca-stra! 🐋🎻
Dear sleep, I’m sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back! 😴💔
I love long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me. 🚶♂️😜
Chocolate is the answer. Who cares what the question is? 🍫❓
Running late is my cardio. 🕒🏃♀️
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine clearly hasn’t tried chocolate. 🍫😂
I would lose weight, but I don’t like losing. 🏋️♂️😆
Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted! 🐆👀
Why did I wake up tired? I went to bed tired. 🛌😴
If lying was a job, I’d be on a Forbes list by now. 😇📝
Coffee: because adulting is hard. ☕👨💼
I love naps. Like, I literally love them. They make me feel better about wasting the day. 😴🛏️
Why was the math book always confused? It couldn’t figure anything out! 📘🤷♂️
What’s a pirate’s favorite vegetable? Arrrrtichoke! 🏴☠️🥬
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese! 🧀🤣
How does a vampire start a letter? Tomb it may concern… 🧛♂️✉️
Don’t make me adult today. 😬🧸
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! 🥕🦜
😅 I’m still laughing!
I can’t cook, but I can follow directions—so if I fail, it’s the recipe’s fault. 🍳🤷♂️
What’s the tallest building in the world? The library, because it has the most stories! 📚🏢
I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman, but have you ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room? 🦸♀️🤫
Sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m busy being fabulous. 📞😎
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing! 🍅👗
This joke was on point! Love it! 🎯
What kind of music do mummies like? Wrap music! 🎶🧻
I hate when I’m singing along to a song and the artist gets the words wrong. 🎤🎶
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs! 💀🍖
🤣 Sharing this right now!
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I’ll go on ahead! 🎩🏃♂️
If you want your spouse to listen and pay attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 🛌💬
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. 😴🙃
When nothing goes right, go left. ⬅️🧭
I’m sorry, did I roll my eyes out loud? 🙄💬
🤣 Sending this now!
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring. So, I go back to being me. 🦸♂️💪
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. 🥃🕰️
How does a lion greet other animals? Pleased to eat you! 🦁🍽️
Haha, this is the best laugh I’ve had all week! 😁
😆 Laughing so hard right now!
😂 I’m seriously crying over here!
I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time. 🎧🤔
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick! 🪃🌿
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside, too. 💄😜
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and eat it. 🦞🍕
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies? ✂️🧵
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer! 🐂💤
My life is a constant battle between wanting to be healthy and eating cupcakes. 🧁🥗
My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry. 💸😭
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘coffee,’ and I’ll turn around. ☕🙋♀️
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! 🤧💃
I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long. 🤷♂️😂
Why did the orange stop? It ran out of juice! 🍊🔋
Why do elephants never use cell phones? Because they can’t fit them in their trunks! 🐘📱
What’s black, white, and read all over? A newspaper! 📰🖤
I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face, but with words. 👊💬
If my jeans could talk, they’d say, ‘Stop eating!’ 👖🍕
Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they’re always stuffed! 🧸🍽️
How do you make a squid laugh? With ten-tickles! 🦑😂
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up! 🥚🤣
How do you organize a space party? You planet! 🚀🎉
Why did the watch break up with the clock? It found someone better for the time being! ⏰💔
I am not lazy, I am on power-saving mode. ⚡😌
If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel. 🔥😅