Answer: A needle! 🧵
Explanation: A needle is the perfect answer to this riddle because it has an "eye" at the top which is used to thread it, but since it’s an inanimate object, it cannot actually see anything. It’s funny to think that something with an "eye" is blind and oblivious to its surroundings! 😄👀
Why don’t skeletons play music in church? Because they don’t have organs! ⛪🎶
Why did the electrician break up with the light bulb? It was too high-maintenance! 💡💔
Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said. 😜💬
What do you get when you cross a dog with a phone? A golden receiver! 🐕📞
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed. 😴😆
What kind of music do mummies like? Wrap music! 🎶🧻
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. 🕒✈️
Why are pirates great singers? Because they can hit the high Cs! 🏴☠️🎶
I’m not really lazy. I’m just on my energy-saving mode. 💡😴
My alone time is for everyone’s safety. 🚷😅
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 🚗💵
Coffee: because adulting is hard. 😩☕
What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? Put it on my bill! 🦆💄
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick! 🪃🌿
I need a six-month vacation, twice a year. 🏝️🕶️
If life gives you lemons, freeze them and throw them at people who are annoying. 🍋😂
Wine improves with age. The older I get, the more I like it. 🍷😎
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine clearly hasn’t tried chocolate. 🍫😂
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up! 🛝🤣
🤣 Sharing this right now!
What did the grape do when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine! 🍇🍷
Why did the golfer bring a spare pencil? In case he got a hole in one! ⛳✏️
This joke is going straight to my favorites! 😂
😆 Totally hilarious!
Do I have a date tonight? Yes! April 24th. Does that count? 📅😆
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. 😁🦷
Why don’t skeletons go to scary movies? They don’t have the guts! 💀🎬
Dear sleep, I’m sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back! 😴💔
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools! 🐠🏫
😅 I’m still chuckling at this!
😅 I needed that!
😆 That punchline was epic!
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged! ☕🚔
I cleaned my house yesterday, which is odd because we still live in it today. 🏡🧼
If Monday had a face, I’d punch it. 🥊📅
I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making a few more. 🙈😜
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. 🌞🌙
You know you’re getting old when your candles cost more than your cake. 🎂🔥
Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish! 🦀💰
My house was clean last week. Sorry you missed it. 🏡🙃
How do construction workers party? They raise the roof! 👷♂️🏗️
At my age, I need glasses… just to find my glasses. 👓😜
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato! 🦘🥔
How do cows stay up to date? They read the moos-paper! 🐄📰
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field! 👨🌾🏆
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge? 🥪💡
What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-na! 🎹🍌
How do you organize a space party? You planet! 🚀🎉
I have too many apps on my phone, but there’s no app to keep track of them. 📱😆
I have a love-hate relationship with Mondays. I love to hate them. 😡📅
Hilarious! This one’s going into my favorites! 😄
There’s no ‘we’ in fries. 🍟🚫
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it! 👻🚫
Wow, these jokes are pure gold! 💰
Haha, this joke is a keeper! 📌
😁 This made my day!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it! 💧🔥
😄 What a joke!
🤣 That punchline was unexpected!
I’m on a roll today. I ate 12 rolls. 🍞😂
I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time. 🤯🤪
😂 So funny!
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court? Odor in the court! 🦨⚖️
I had my patience tested. I’m negative. 😂⏳
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you! 🌋❤️
I am one step away from being rich, all I need now is money. 💵🚶♂️
Some days, I amaze myself. Other days, I trip over my own feet. 🤦♂️🤣
I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up: a kid again. 👶🤣
Why do ducks always pay with cash? Because they don’t like bills! 🦆💵
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses! 🥕🐰👓
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza. 🍕🤷♂️
Why don’t lobsters ever share? They’re too shellfish! 🦞🙅♂️
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. 🍷🙏
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest. 😅🏖️
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. 😁🦷
I can resist anything except temptation. 😈😅
😂 I’m seriously crying over here!
I haven’t lost my mind. It’s backed up on a hard drive somewhere. 💾🤯
I’m not lazy; I’m just highly motivated to do nothing. 🛋️😆
😄 You totally won the internet today!
😁 Definitely my new go-to joke!
I’m still laughing, that was too good! 🤣
Thanks Ackyshine
Why don’t birds use Facebook? They already tweet! 🐦🐤
Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well! 🍌🤒
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. 📚😆
Coffee: because adulting is hard. ☕👨💼
Why was the math teacher always so suspicious? She knew something didn’t add up! ➕🤨
Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper makes them sneeze! 🐟🌊
Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity. 😏🛡️
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row now. 🏋️♂️😆
I’d rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea. 🥃☕
What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie! 🥕😡
🤣 That twist at the end, though!
If lying was a job, I’d be on a Forbes list by now. 😇📝
If you want your spouse to listen and pay attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 🛌💬
😅 I needed that laugh!
Why did the phone break up with the charger? It couldn’t handle the power struggle! 📱🔋
My hobbies include eating and complaining that I’m gaining weight. 🍕📏
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam! 🐠🚧
Why did I wake up tired? I went to bed tired. 🛌😴
My hobbies include eating and complaining that I’m gaining weight. 🍔📏
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do. 🤔💬
🤣 Sending this now!
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work! 🐄🔔
I’ve got to save this one, too funny! 😆
I’m not really a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that? 😎🔧
I wish everything was as easy as getting fat. 🍔😆
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. ⏰💼
I don’t trip over things; I do random gravity checks. 🌍😅
Love this! Keep them coming! 😁
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. ⏳🏃♂️
If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge? 🧀🌙
How do bees get to school? By school buzz! 🐝🚌
Why do soccer players do well in school? Because they know how to use their heads! ⚽🧠
I don’t need a mood ring; I have a face. 😐💬
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese! 🧀🤣
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad! 🐸🚗
How does a polar bear build its house? Igloos it together! 🐻❄️🏠
I would lose weight, but I don’t like losing. 🏋️♂️😆
I’m definitely sharing this with my friends! 😆
What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert? Boo-berry pie! 👻🥧
What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad sandals! 🐸👡
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! 🥕🦜
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like a troll? 🛏️🧌
Why don’t some fish play piano? Because you can’t tuna fish! 🐟🎹
Chocolate is the answer. Who cares what the question is? 🍫❓
Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted! 🐆👀
I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time. 🧠🎧
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs! 🐝🍯
I feel like I should clean the house, so I’m going to lie down and nap until that feeling passes. 🧹🛌
😄 Too good!
Why does cooking take six hours, but eating takes like three seconds? ⏲️🍽️
What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop! 🐷🥋
I like long walks—especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me. 🚶♂️👋
😆 I’m dying over here!
It’s not that I’m lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing. 🛋️😂
I need six months of vacation, twice a year. 🏖️😂
I hate when I’m singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong. 🎤🤷♀️
Why don’t scientists trust stairs? They’re always leading you up to something! 🧪🪜
😆 That punchline!
This is the kind of joke you don’t forget! 😂
I haven’t even gone to bed yet, and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow. 🛌😆
What do you call a skeleton who won’t work? Lazy bones! 💀😴
Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball! 👠⚽
Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken. 🧍♂️🤷♀️
Why did the man put his money in the blender? He wanted to make some liquid assets! 💸🍹
🤣 This joke just made my whole day!
You know you’re an adult when you get excited about things like ‘cleaning supplies.’ 🧼🛒
I can’t wait to tell this joke at my next party! 🎉
I’m not short. I’m just concentrated awesome! 👌😂
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘chocolate’ and I’ll turn around. 🍫🙋♀️
What’s a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling! 🧙♀️📖
Why are spiders great at websites? Because they’re always catching bugs! 🕷️💻
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite! ⛄🧛♂️
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where’s popcorn? 🌽🍿
Why did the robot go on vacation? It needed to recharge! 🤖🔌
Why did the fisherman put peanut butter into the sea? To go with the jellyfish! 🥜🐙
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. 🤢🤔
Why don’t sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny! 🦈🤡
😁 This is gold!
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired! 🚲😅
What did the farmer say after losing his tractor? Where’s my tractor? 🚜🤷♂️
I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas. 💡😎
My diet for today: 1% food, 99% excuses. 🍩🙃
Why don’t vampires like garlic? It’s a pain in the neck! 🧛♂️🧄
The road to success is always under construction. 🚧🏗️
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! 🐻🍬
I don’t need to be perfect. I need to be caffeinated. ☕😆
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll let it go! 🎈❄️
My life is a constant battle between wanting to be healthy and eating cupcakes. 🧁🥗
😂 Sharing right away!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? It felt crumby! 🍪🏥
I love long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me. 🚶♂️😜
I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. 🚉🤔
Why don’t koalas make great detectives? They’re terrible at following koal-ifications! 🐨🕵️♂️
How does a bee brush its hair? With a honeycomb! 🐝🪮
If life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. 🍋👁️
If you can’t handle me at my worst, just wait. It gets worse. 😂🤯
My bank account is like a waterfall. Just constant flow… of money going away. 💸🏞️
😂 I’m completely obsessed with this!
I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. 🧩🤯
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! 🤧💃
What do you call an owl that does magic? Hooo-dini! 🦉🎩
Why do we press harder on the remote when the batteries are dying? 📺🔋
Why was the math book always confused? It couldn’t figure anything out! 📘🤷♂️
If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life vest… I would miss you so much. 🛳️💦
There’s no ‘we’ in fries. 🍟🤨
I have a speed limit of 30 minutes per hour. 🐢⏳
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure. 🤷♂️🤔
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done. 😴
Brilliant! The timing was perfect! ⏰
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers! 🥷👟
Wow, this joke is a total winner! 🏆
You know you’re lazy when you get excited about canceling plans. 🛋️🎉
What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta! 🍝🤡
What did the grape do when it got stepped on? Nothing but let out a little wine! 🍇🍷
Why did the musician bring a ladder to the concert? To reach the high notes! 🎶🎵
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. ⏳🙃
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Poop! 💩🎤
I wish everything was as easy as getting fat. 🍩😂
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts. 💀🥋
What’s a pirate’s favorite exercise? The plank! 🏴☠️🦵
Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish! 🦪💰
Just what I needed today! Thank you! 😜
The bags under my eyes are Chanel. 👜😂
How do you organize a space party? You planet! 🌌🪐
When nothing goes right, go left. ⬅️💡
Running is great. Unless you faint. 🏃♀️🥵
Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity. 😜🛡️
I need to get in shape. If I were murdered right now, my chalk outline would be a circle. 🧍♀️🔵
I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch it for hours. 💻🛋️
😂 I’m definitely stealing this one!
If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off? 👠🤔
I love naps. Like, I literally love them. They make me feel better about wasting the day. 😴🛏️
😂 Gotta save this!
😆 Rolling on the floor!
I don’t need an inspirational quote, I need coffee. ☕📖
I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me. 🙄🧍♂️
Running late is my cardio. 🕒🏃♀️
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells! 👀👃
What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream! 🎣📺
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. 📚✍️
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. 😴💤
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste. 😜😎
What’s a cow’s favorite place to go? The moo-vies! 🐄🎥
What’s the hardest part about skydiving? The ground! 🪂🌍
How do trees access the internet? They log in! 🌲💻
I am not lazy, I am on power-saving mode. ⚡😌
I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. 🚉😅
What’s a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple! 🐱💜
I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. 🤕🏠
😂 Can’t wait to share this!
I’m not overweight. I’m just under-tall. 🏋️♂️🤏
What’s the tallest building in the world? The library, because it has the most stories! 📚🏢
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing. 🏃♂️😴
Why do elephants never use cell phones? Because they can’t fit them in their trunks! 🐘📱
This just made my coffee break so much better! ☕😆
😆 I’m bookmarking this for later!
Why was the broom late for work? It swept in! 🧹⏰
I’ve started using my kids as weights. That counts as working out, right? 🏋️♂️👶
I thought growing old would take longer. 😄👵
How does a vampire start a letter? Tomb it may concern… 🧛♂️✉️
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream right now. 🍦💸
🤣 I’m literally dying of laughter!
😂 Can’t stop laughing!
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is ‘act natural, you’re innocent.’ 🏬😅
😆 Laughing so hard right now!
I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying! ✈️📱
Why don’t mountains get cold in the winter? They wear snowcaps! 🏔️❄️
I’m not weird, I’m limited edition. 🦄😜
I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at once. 🎧🤔
Why can’t you trust stairs? Because they’re always up to something! 🛗🤔
I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life. ⏱️😆
What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen! 🚗🥚
I’m not weird; I’m limited edition. 😜🦄
I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 🛏️💇♂️
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. 🏰🤣
😁 This just made my day!
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I’ll go on ahead! 🎩🏃♂️
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug. 💑🤣
🤣 This one got me good!
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop. 💵🛍️
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A woolly jumper! 🐑🦘
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. ‘Alright, get in the basket’. 🚲👮♂️
I don’t understand why people say hurtful things like ‘I don’t even know you.’ We’ve been Facebook friends for two years! 📱😆
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut. 🥗🍩
😆 This one really got me!
Classic! I’m still laughing! 😄
If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. 🚪😆
Why did the picture go to jail? It was framed! 🖼️🚨
I’m not procrastinating, I’m just on a procrastination break. ⏳🙃
Why do chickens sit on eggs? Because they don’t have chairs! 🐔🥚
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up! 🥚🤣
Why are ghosts bad at lying? Because they’re transparent! 👻🤥
I don’t know how to act my age because I’ve never been this age before. 🤔🎂
Why did the clock go to therapy? It had too many issues with time! 🕰️🛋️
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk! 🪰🚶♂️
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll let it go! 🎈❄️
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life. 💍😆
Why did the watch break up with the clock? It found someone better for the time being! ⏰💔
Why don’t melons get married? Because they cantaloupe! 🍈💍
I can’t believe how funny this is! 😂
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is on the inside. 🥶🍰
What do you call a group of musical whales? An orca-stra! 🐋🎻
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it! 🐘🌳
I’ve had my patience tested. I’m negative. 😜⏳
I don’t make mistakes. I date them. 💔😂
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do. 🤔
I like to pretend my dog understands me better than most humans. 🐕💬
Absolutely nailed it, what a joke! 😄
I’m not bossy, I’m the boss. Big difference. 😎👩💼
I was having a bad day until I read this! 😅
This one really got me, what a punchline! 😆
🤣 Didn’t see that coming!
How does a lion greet other animals? Pleased to eat you! 🦁🍽️
I’ve found the recipe for happiness. Can someone just send me some money to buy the ingredients? 💸😆
I run like the winded. 🏃♀️😮💨
I used to have superpowers, but my therapist took them away. 🦸♀️😅
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs! 💀🍖
I wish I was a kid again so everyone would be proud of me for taking a nap. 🛌😴
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems. 📚😭
😃 Instant mood boost!
Some days I amaze myself. Other days, I put my keys in the fridge. 🔑🧊
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus! 🖥️🤒
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies? ✂️🧵
What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing, they just waved! 🌊👋
I wish I were a little kid so I could take a long nap and everyone would be proud of me. 🍼😴
They say ‘don’t try this at home,’ so I’m coming over to your house to try it. 🚶♂️🏡
You can’t make everyone happy. You are not a taco. 🌮🤷♂️
😁 Added to my favorites!
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut! 🐿️🌰
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside, too. 💄😜
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy pizza, which is kind of the same thing. 🍕💸
What’s black, white, and read all over? A newspaper! 📰🖤
I’m not bossy, I just know what you should be doing. 😎👩💼
I don’t sweat—I sparkle! ✨😅
I’m not saying I’m Batman, but you’ve never seen us in the same room together. 🦸♂️🦇
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me. 🎭🦸♂️
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels! 🥯🌊
Life is too short to wear boring socks. 🧦🎉
😄 Nailed it!
I could give up chocolate, but I’m not a quitter. 🍫💪
Why was the belt arrested? It held up a pair of pants! 👖🚨
Who needs a superhero when you have a mom? 🦸♀️❤️
Haha, this is the best laugh I’ve had all week! 😁
I put the ‘pro’ in procrastination. 🏆😴
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts! 🦴😂
I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 🛏️💇♂️
I told myself I should stop drinking, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself. 🍺😂
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode. ⚡😴
I’m on a 24-hour coffee break. ☕⏳
I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face, but with words. 👊💬
I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me adult. 😬🧸
My phone battery lasts longer than most people at work. 📱💼
Dieting is wishful shrinking. 🍩😆
🤣 This joke is too good!
I run like the winded. 🏃♂️💨
Why don’t ants get sick? They have tiny ant-bodies! 🐜💉
If my jeans could talk, they’d say, ‘Stop eating!’ 👖🍕
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! ⚛️🤓
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing! 🍅👗
😆 I’m literally in stitches right now!
The older I get, the earlier it gets late. 🕰️😴
My brain has too many tabs open. 💻🧠
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose! 🐄🦶
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together! 🐧🏠
To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential. 💼🤣
I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger. ❤️🍔
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y. 🔠🤔
I dusted once. It came back. I’m not falling for that again. 🧹😆
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 🙄👨💼
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce? Chicken Caesar salad! 🐔🥗
😄 Perfect joke!
How do you know the ocean is friendly? It waves! 🌊👋
😅 I’m still laughing!
Life is like a roller coaster. And I’m stuck in the line for the bathroom. 🎢🚻
I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it. ☕❤️
Haha! I couldn’t stop laughing at this one! 🤣
The only thing better than talking about food is eating it. 🍔🍴
Why don’t basketball players ever go on vacation? They’re afraid of traveling! 🏀✈️
Why did the smartphone need glasses? It lost all its contacts! 📱👓
😄 I can’t even breathe, so funny!
Sometimes I drink water—just to surprise my liver. 🥤😂
I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me. 🚶♂️😜
Why did the frog sit on the computer? To hop on the internet! 🐸💻
😆 Still cracking up!
😄 This is pure brilliance!
I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop annoying me! 😡🛑
The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary. 📖💼
😂 This joke just made my day!
Why did the man take his clock to the vet? It had ticks! 🕰️🐾
I think my guardian angel drinks. 😇🍷
I am on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days. 📅🍔
Why did the golfer bring extra socks? In case he got a hole in one! 🧦⛳
I love my computer because my friends live in it. 💻💖
Why don’t elephants use computers? They’re afraid of the mouse! 🐘🖱️
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. 😡🛌
Sarcasm is my love language. 💬😏
😂 I’m saving this one!
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. 🦩😂
How do you throw a space party? You planet! 🪐🎉
Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel! 🍌🌞
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer! 🐂💤
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house? The living room! 💀🛋️
What does a zombie vegetarian eat? Graaains! 🧟♂️🌾
Why did the cat sit on the computer? To keep an eye on the mouse! 🐱🖱️
I’ve got to remember this one for later! 😆
How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray! 🌮🙏
Why are skeletons so calm? Nothing gets under their skin! 💀😌
How do you tell a vampire has a cold? By his coffin! 🧛♂️🤧
I don’t care what the question is. The answer is pizza. 🍕🤤
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. 🪂🤣
Life status: Currently holding it all together with one bobby pin. 💇♀️😆
😆 Bookmarking this!
🤣 This one’s fire!
I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge. 💖🍕
I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time. 🎧🤔
I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks. 🌍🤣
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish! 🦪😜
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! 🌾🏅
🤣 Sharing this with everyone!
I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it. 🤪⏳
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. 🧁🤲
I’m sorry, did I roll my eyes out loud? 🙄💬
This joke just turned my whole mood around! 😃
I spend my whole day thinking about food and then I wonder why I’m gaining weight. 🍕😅
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 👀🧹
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. 🪑✋
I’d exercise, but it makes me spill my coffee. ☕🏃♂️
What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business! 🌶️🤭
I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, gyrated, and jumped. And then I got stuck in my leotard. 🩳😂
I always give 100% at work—12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday… 📅😂
Dear math, I’m not a therapist. Solve your own problems. 📚🤯
My dream job would be the karma delivery person. 🚚😈
How does a computer get drunk? It takes screenshots! 💻🍺
I would lose weight, but I hate losing. 😂🏆
I didn’t see that punchline coming—hilarious! 🤣
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits! 👨⚖️👔
What kind of dog can tell time? A watch dog! 🐕⏰
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about eating, I’d be rich… and probably still hungry. 🍕💵
I’ve tried yoga, but I find stress less boring. 🧘♂️😆
I may be a little quiet, but I have so many thoughts running through my mind that I’m talking to myself non-stop. 🗣️💭
I’m still cracking up, that was brilliant! 🤣
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. 🥃🕰️
What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini! 🐑🚗
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you do for fun. 🎮🤔
My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people know I’m not dead. 🛋️😂
Why don’t we tell secrets in a cornfield? Too many ears! 🌽👂
I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast. 🛏️🥞
I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me adult. 🛌😬
What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? A blood orange! 🧛♂️🍊
Why did the tree go to the dentist? It needed a root canal! 🌳🦷
How does a dog stop a video? He presses the paws button! 🐕⏸️
I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time. 🤯😜
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one! ⛳👖
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat. 🧍♂️🍔
😄 Pure comedy gold!
Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired! 🚴♀️😴
Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had the drumsticks! 🐔🥁
😂 I can’t stop laughing!
😄 You got me good!
😆 Can’t stop laughing!
😃 This made me laugh out loud for real!
What’s a frog’s favorite candy? Lollihops! 🐸🍭
Calories don’t count if you eat with friends. 🍰👯♂️
What’s a snowman’s favorite snack? Ice Krispies! ⛄🍚
What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep? A stega-snore-us! 🦕😴
Why did the orange stop? It ran out of juice! 🍊🔋
I don’t care if the glass is half full or half empty. I’m just glad it’s not a shot glass. 🥃🍹
I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? 😏🤔
I can’t brain today. I has the dumb. 🧠🤯
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. ⏳🏃♂️
I can’t cook, but I can follow directions—so if I fail, it’s the recipe’s fault. 🍳🤷♂️
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. 🥃😂
I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food. 🍔💻
I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right. 🤷♂️😎
I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. 😖🛋️
If Monday had a face, I’d punch it. 🥊📅
I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long. 🤷♂️😂
Sometimes I talk to myself. Then we both laugh. 😂👥
I wonder how many calories I burn by jumping to conclusions. 🤔🤸♂️
Why don’t we ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’? 🎱💰
What did one plate say to the other? Lunch is on me! 🍽️🍽️
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep? 🛌💤
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? You’re too young to smoke! 🏠🚭
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. 😲👀
Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead. 🧟♂️😅
What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look, I’m changing! 🚦🚗
I smile because I don’t know what’s going on. 😁🤷♂️
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? 🚗😠
How do you make a squid laugh? With ten-tickles! 🦑😂
I’d give up sarcasm, but that leaves me speechless. 😏🤐
How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience! 🥒🥒
😆 I’m still laughing, can’t stop!
😂 This is too funny!
Don’t make me adult today. 😬🧸
🤣 Brilliant joke!
Don’t give up on your dreams, keep sleeping! 😴💤
Exercise? I thought you said ‘extra fries’! 🍟😂
Some people wake up looking fabulous. I wake up looking for my phone. 📱😴
Exercise? I thought you said extra fries! 🍟🏋️♀️
This joke just made my day—hilarious! 🤣
Sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m busy being fabulous. 📞😎
I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee. ☕📖
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look, no hands! ⏱️🙌
😁 This is an absolute gem of a joke!
Absolutely hilarious! Can’t get enough! 😂
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and eat it. 🦞🍕
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? You think it’s R, but it be the C! 🏴☠️🌊
This is pure comedy gold! 😄
If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. 🪂❌
This joke was on point! Love it! 🎯
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose! 🐄🦶
I’ve reached the age where my brain goes from ‘You probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘What the heck, let’s see what happens’. 🤷♂️🤭
Is it just me or is ‘running errands’ starting to count as going out now? 🛒😂
What’s brown and sticky? A stick! 🌿😂
Why do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales! 🐟⚖️
I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong. 🤔🤷♂️
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener! 🥫🚫
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle. 🍰😂
I want to be like a caterpillar: Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and wake up beautiful. 🦋🍴
I wasn’t born to ‘just get things done’—I was born to confuse people with my nonsense. 🤯🤪
Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had no body to go with him! 💀🕺
I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee. ☕📜
Haha, my sides hurt from laughing so much! 🤣
I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. 🧠🤯
I have a degree in sarcasm. 🎓😏
How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card! 🐃💳
Some days, I amaze myself. Other days, I look for my phone while I’m talking on it. 📱🤦♀️
Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll? 😴👹
If I won the award for laziness, I would send someone to pick it up for me. 🏆😴
What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador! 🐕✨
🤣 This joke is just too good!
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee? Bah-humbug! 🐑🐝
This joke is too funny, I’m sharing it with everyone! 😂
I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong. 🤷♂️😆
I’m not late. I’m just early for tomorrow. ⏰😂
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies! 🧹🎉
What did the pencil say to the sharpener? Stop going in circles! ✏️📏
I’m on the ‘I-just-ate’ diet. It’s working perfectly. 🍕💪
What did one wall say to the other? Meet you at the corner! 🧱😎
I needed this laugh, thanks for sharing! 😅
I’m definitely telling this one to my friends! 😄
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 💼💸
I hate when I’m singing along to a song and the artist gets the words wrong. 🎤🎶
Why don’t koalas count as bears? They don’t have the koalifications! 🐨🎓
What’s a snake’s favorite subject in school? Hiss-tory! 🐍📚
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day. ☁️😎
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure. 🤷♀️
What do you call a snowman’s dog? A slush puppy! ⛄🐕
Why did the calendar go to therapy? It had too many dates! 📅🛋️
Why did the farmer win the lottery? Because he was outstanding in his field! 🌾💵
Why don’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless! ✏️😜
What kind of haircuts do bees get? Buzz cuts! 🐝✂️
What do you call a bear that’s stuck in the rain? A drizzly bear! 🐻🌧️
🤣 Pure genius!
😁 Best laugh of the day!
Why don’t bananas ever get lonely? They hang out in bunches! 🍌👯♂️
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode. 💤🔋
Why did the teddy bear skip dessert? Because it was stuffed! 🧸🍰
This joke is a keeper for sure! 😁
What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re pointless! 🔺⚪
🤣 Didn’t see it coming!
My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry. 💸😭
I’m on the gin and tonic diet. So far, I’ve lost two days. 🍸😂
What did the big flower say to the little flower? Hi, bud! 🌻👋
I’m not shy. I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you. 🦸♂️😎
In my defense, I was left unsupervised. 🙆♂️😂
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash! 💵❄️
I don’t procrastinate; I reschedule. 🗓️😜
😂 I’m dying!
I’m not late. I’m just very early for tomorrow. ⏰😂
Why did the pirate go to school? To improve his arrrrr-ticulation! 🏴☠️📚
Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they’re always stuffed! 🧸🍽️
I need a six-month vacation, twice a year. 🏝️😅
This joke deserves an award! 🏆
My life feels like a test I didn’t study for. 📝🤯
😂 I can’t stop laughing at this one!
What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-ntain! 🐱⛰️
😅 I’m still cracking up!
😃 Mood instantly lifted!
Wine is to women as duct tape is to men—it fixes everything. 🍷😂
What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh! 🐟👁️
If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your mom told you in the beginning. 👩👧🤷♂️
I told myself I should stop drinking, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself. 🍻🗣️
😅 Needed this laugh, thanks!
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. 🤷♂️😅
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman! ⛄💪
The best part of going to work is coming back home. 🏡💼
I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days. 🗓️🍔
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring. So, I go back to being me. 🦸♂️💪
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 📅🙅♂️
😂 I’m sending this to everyone I know!
😂 I need to save this one forever!
When I said I’d do it later, I didn’t mean tomorrow. I meant next year. 📅😆
Why don’t skeletons go to parties? They have no body to dance with! 🦴🎉
😂 This is a keeper!
What did the duck say when it bought a snack? Put it on my bill! 🦆🍿
Life is too short to remove USB safely. 🔌💻
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed. 😴😄
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. 😴🙃
What’s a pirate’s favorite vegetable? Arrrrtichoke! 🏴☠️🥬
😄 You got me!
I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older… younger! 😆👶
I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman, but have you ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room? 🦸♀️🤫
😂 I haven’t laughed this hard in a while!
Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me—I’ll laugh at you. 😂📞
Monday should be optional. 😴⏳
When nothing goes right, go left. ⬅️🧭
Why did the music teacher go to jail? She got caught with too many notes! 🎼👮♀️
😅 I had to share this with everyone!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘coffee,’ and I’ll turn around. ☕🙋♀️
😆 Saving this one!
😄 Totally didn’t see that coming!
I am so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed. 😴😂
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. 🐟🍕
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. 🛏️💭
If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel. 🔥😅
Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me—I’ll laugh at you. 🤣📞
What’s a pig’s favorite karate move? The pork chop! 🐷🥋
I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long. 🤷♂️😂
I always carry a pen in my pocket, just in case someone gives me their autograph… on a check. ✍️💰
Sleep is my drug… my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police. 🛏️😴
I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down! 📖😆
Why are ghosts such bad liars? You can see right through them! 👻😜
Why did the baker go to therapy? He had too much on his plate! 🍰🛋️
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. ⏳😂
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator! 🐊🕵️♂️
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine! 🍇🍷
If Monday had a face, I’d punch it. 🥊📆