JE WAJUA?
Sungura, panya na Jamii zao huwa na mwendo wa kukimbia na kuruka muda wote na umri wao wa kuishi ni miaka 15. Kobe ni mnyama mwenda pole, asiye na papara wala pilika, muda mwingi hujificha na kupumzika ndani ya jumba lake akikwepa maadui. Umri wa kuishi kobe hufikia hadi miaka 300.
FUNZO: Mazoezi ni kiinimacho na uongo mtupu. Jipumzikie mwaya!!!
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Siyo watu wote wanaokuuliza kwamba watoto hawajambo,wanakuuliza kwa nia nzuri,wengine wanaulizia watoto wao waliozaa na mkeo.duh!! tutafika kwel
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MUME: Fungua mlango!
MKE: Leo sifungui! Nimechoshwa na ulevi wako.
MUME: kama hufungui najitupa kwenye hili shimo nife kabisa.
MKE. Kufa huna faida yoyote duniani!
MUMEย kachukua jiwe kubwa kalitupa kwenye shimo chubwiiiiiii!
MKE kajifunga kanga, kafungua mlango. Ghafla mume kaingia ndani na kumfungia mke nje.
MKE: Nifungulie la sivyo nitapiga kelele majirani waje.
MUME: Piga kelele na wakija uwambie unakotoka usiku huu na khanga moja.
Mhindi afaulu mtihani wa Kiswahili
(1) Mfa maji ?โฆโฆโฆโฆโฆโฆ.. Tampa life jacket.
(2) Mwenda pole?โฆโฆโฆโฆ Tachelewa fika.
(3) Usipoziba ufa ?โฆโฆโฆ.. Mizi taona mpaka dani.
(4) Usilolijua ?โฆโฆโฆโฆโฆโฆ Uliza google.
(5) Mbio za utelezini ?โฆโฆ. Chafua guo yako.
(6) Ukipenda boga ?โฆโฆโฆ Ngoja mezi ya ramzani tapata.
(7) Ukiona vinaelea ?โฆโฆ.. iko nyepesi hiyo.
(8) Maji yakimwagika ?โฆโฆ Mambie dada tapiga deki.
(9) Chelewa chelewa ?โฆโฆโฆ Takosa guo ya sikukuuโฆ
(10) Kila ndege ?โฆโฆโฆโฆ.. โฆHutua Airport
(11) Bandu bandu ?โฆ.. โฆโฆ.Rafiki yake Jecha
(12) Mtaka cha Mvunguni ?โฆ Ondoa tanda
(13) Simba mwenda kimya?โฆ.Kama sio gonjwa basi haina njaa.
(14) Aisifuye mvua ?โฆโฆโฆ. Najua iko Mkulima hiyo
(15) Barabara ndefu ?โฆโฆ.. Ongeza mwendo au tachelewa fika.
(16) Mlanawe hafi nawe ila?โฆ. Takimbia
(17) Asie sikia la mkuu ? โฆโฆ.. Tapeleka jela
(18) Hasira za mkizi ? โฆโฆโฆโฆ..Tatafuna veve
(19) Mchamba wima ?โฆโฆ.. Karibu ya Hurumzi
(20) Akumurikae mchana ?โฆ.Kipofu hiyo
(21) Mficha maradhi ?โฆโฆ.. Taenda Loliondo
(22) Mkataa wingi ? โฆโฆโฆ.Taenda Chadema
(23) Bendera ?โฆโฆโฆโฆโฆ. Kama sio ya CCM, ya CUF
(24) Baniani mbaya ?โฆโฆ. Peleka Bombay Lakini sio HB kweli, naonea tu
(25) Akili nyingi ?โฆโฆโฆ. Tapasi mtihani yote
(26) Penye kuku wengi ? โฆโฆ.. Chija bili tatu ivi, hapana mtu najua.
Ndio hizi sasa
1.Hicho ndicho chuo chako usiwe na chuo kingine ila hicho.
2.Usilitaje bure jna la chuo chako mana utawaumiza wengine.
3.Ikumbuke cku uliyochaguliwa na kuiheshimu.
4.Waheshimu tcu, bodi ya mkopo na uongoz wa chuo ili upate kuendelea kuwepo chuon.
5.Usisapu
6.Usidisko
7.Usitumie mkopo ovyo.
8.Usitaman chuo cha mwenzio
9.Usitamani fakat ya mwenzio
10. Usitaman bumu lake wala chochote alichonacho. hahaha chezea chuo weye!
Unaomba namba ya simu ya mdada af anakunyima ila unalazimisha akupe anaona kuliko muendelee kuongea bora tu akupe anakutajia 071112016 unafuraahi unaondoka unafika nyumbani unajaribu kuipiga but kabla hujapiga unagundua alikutajia tarehe ya leoย Wadada acheni hizoย ๐๐๐๐๐๏ฟฝ๐๏ฟฝ๐๏ฟฝ๐
Bibi na Babu walisafiri wakielekea kwa mtoto wao ambae hawajamuona zamani.
Walipofika njiani wakawa wamechoka Sanaa. Wakaamua kutafuta hotel ili walale.
Wakakubaliana walale kwa masaa 4. Wakalala, Walipoamka, mfanyakazi wa Hotel akawatoza Tsh. 500,000/=
Wale wazee wakashangaa hata kama ni hotel ya kisasa lakini sio laki tano kwa masaa 4.
Babu akagoma kulipa akasema aitiwe meneja.
Meneja akaja kuwasikiliza
Babu: ” Kwanini bili ni kubwa hata kama ni hotel ya kisasa?”
Manager;“kuna maswiming puli, ya kisasa “
Babu; “Lakini hatukuyatumia”
Manager; “Ah ah ah. Lakini mungeweza kama mngetaka”
Babu: “Hata hivo bado haithamini kuwa laki 5”
meneja: “Pia Kuna waimbaji kutoka sauzi, Uganda , Congo”
Babu: “Lakini sisi hatukuwasikiliza”
Meneja: “Ndiooo. Lakini mngeweza kama mngetaka”
Babu; aka give up na kumwambia mkewe andika cheki uwape,,
Bibi akaandika akampa meneja.
Meneja anaangalia anaona sh. 50,000
Akashangaa na kusema. “VP mbona hamsini'”
Bibi akajibu “450,000 ya kulala na mimi”
Meneja akajibu; “Lakini sijalala”
Bibi :“ungeweza kama ungetaka”
1. Mwanaume hata awe bahili vipi, hawezi kumpa mwanamke mimba nusu.
2. Hata uwe na magari mangapi chooni utaenda kwa miguu.
3. Kama ubinadamu kazi mbona hatupewi mishahara?
4. Ukichanganya wali na choroko unapata mseto, lakini hautibu malaria.
5. Hata njiwa nae ana makinda, lakini hawezi kuwa spika wa Bunge.
6. Hata uwe na haraka vipi kwenda Zenj, huwezi kupanda Jahazi ya Yusuph Mzee.
7. Umeme hauna kiuno lakini unaongoza kwa kukatika.
8. Hata uwe kauzu vipi, huwezi kujamba wakati unatongoza.
9. Hata uwe na imani kali vipi, huwezi kusali wakati unafanya mapenzi.
10. Hata kizibo ni mfuniko lakini hauwezi kufunika sufuria.
Jana nateremka kwenye BASI UBUNGO nataka nichukue TEKSI hadi KIMARA naambiwa sh.15,000/=.
Wakati niponatafakari hiyo bei, nikasikia “Moro, Moro,Morogoro sh.6,000/=”
Nikaamua nipande niende zangu MOROGORO.
Kwenda na kurudi sh.12,000/=.
Wakati wa kurudi nikamwmbia KONDA aniteremshe KIMARA.
SIPENDAGI UJINGA MIMI NA BEI ZA TEKSI.
Kuishi kijijini kunahitaji moyo sana
..unaenda kuoga, unakumbuka kuwa umesahau sabuniโฆunaenda kuchukua sabuni kurudi bafuni, unakuta ng’ombe amekunywa maji yote..unaamua kufuata mengne,unarudi unakuta mbuzi kala sabuniโฆ๐๐๐๐
*Mdukuzi:* _halloo massai unasemaj_
*Massai:* _safi rafiki_
*Mdukuzi:* _nikikuuliza swali unaakili ya kujibu?_
*Massai:* _ulisa acha maneno yako._
*Mdukuzi:* _nitajie wanyama kumi wa porini_
*Massai:* _swala watatu na tembo saba_๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ฟ
Mke; mme wangu ungekuwa tajiri ningefurahi
Mimi; kwa nini?
Mke; ungekuta na sisi tuna gari nzuri hatutembeu kwa mguu
Mimi; ah wap,unadhani ningekuwa tajiri ningekuwa na wewe?ungekuta natoka na kina wema,zariโฆ
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naona anakusanya nguo zake itakuwa anaenda kufua
MSICHANA: Mbona jana nimekupigia simu hujapokea?
JAMAA: please beby forget me.
MSichAnA: eeeh unaniambia hivo mimi?
JAMAA: nakuomba sana forget me.
MSICHANA: aya bwana poa maisha mema.
Msichana anakata simu jamaa ndo ananiuliza.”sasa
sijui amekasirikia lipi?” Mi nikamwambia we zuzu
umemwambia AKUSAHAU, dah, kumbe
ningemwambiaje? hahaha, ungemwambia
ForgivE me! au Ungesema Tu NaombA nSameHe.
GARLFRENDยปยปhellow sweetheart
BOYFRENDยปยปhellow darling(SENDING FAILED)
GARLFRENDยปยปkwanin hutaki kujibu sms yangu,au huna mdaยป??
BOYFRENDยป>najitahid kukujibu lakin mtandao unasumbua,imefika??(SENDING FAILED)
GARLFRENDยปยปkama hunipend bhas usinijbu,kama unanipenda kwel bhas nijibu
BOYFRENDยปยปi love you (SENDING FAILED)
GALFRENDยปยปdo you lov me????
BOYFRENDยปยปi lov you baby(SENDING FAILED)
GARLFRENDยปยปusiongee na mimi tenaaaaa
BOYFRENDยปยปi love you sweetieeee(SENDING FAILED)
GARLFRENDยปยปunataka mim na wew tuachaneee????
BOYFRENDยปยปnshachoka mie na huu upUmbavu,shenz (MESSAGE SENT)
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
MWALIMU kaingia darasani na kusema. “Wanaojijua wajinga wasimame”.
MADENGE akasimama peke yake.
MWALIMU: Wewe ndio mjinga?
MADENGE: Hapana, ila nimeona umesimama peke yako nikaona usijisikie vibaya angalau tuwe wawili.
Mtoto alimwuuliza baba yake,
Mtoto: Baba unaweza kumwachia hilo gari lako house boy/girl akaliendesha?
Baba: siwezi kumwachia gari langu hili aliendeshe ni ghali sana.
Mtoto: je mnaweza kumwachia chumba chenu house boy/girl kikiwa wazi na mkaenda kazini?
Baba: haiwezekani kamwe kuna vitu vya gharama na pia heshima haitakuwepo.
Mtoto: unaweza ukampa house boy/girl ATM CARD yako na namba ya siri ukakuchulie pesa?
Baba: mtoto unatafuta balaa sasa, unataka siku akiiba hii card akachukue pesa zote tuwe maskini, sithubutu.
Mtoto: aahaaaaaa, kumbe hauwezi kumkabidhi chochote chenye thamani house boy/ girl, sasa kwa nini mnanikabidhi mimi kwa house boy/girl na nyie mnaenda kazini mpaka mnarudi kumbe mimi sina thamani kwenu eeeeh!
Fanya hivi
Ukitaka mwanaume akusaidie kazi jikoni mwambie “NAOMBA CM YAKO NIWASHE TOCHI TAA IMEUNGUA”
atakusaidia kumulika mpaka unamaliza kazi zako zoote๐
Ifโฆ
99 is: Ninety nine,
88 is: Eighty eight,
77 is: Seventy seven,
66 is: Sixty six,
55 is: Fifty five,
44 is: Forty four,
33 is: Thirty three,
22 is: Twenty two,
Why 11 not Onety one?
Wazungu msitufanye Vilazaโฆ.!! ๐ ๐ ๐ ๐
๐ ๐ ๐ ๐ ๐ ๐
Mungu anawaona
AckySHINE charity is a program for humanitarian campaigns and aid aimed at promoting peace and unity, protecting the environment, and maintaining the health and development of individuals and the community as a whole. These campaigns are advertised through ackyshine.com.
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Your Friend, Melkisedeck Leon Shine
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