SMS Nzuri: Meseji za Vihoja Vya Xmass - Page 5 of 20

MAJIBU YA MAKONDA WA DALADALA ZETU GONGOLAMBOTO HUKU

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1. wewe Dada unaturingia nini na matiti yako mawili , mbwa pia ana matiti nane na haturingii eboo !!!!

2. Ka wafikiri Una haraka sana Shuka ukimbie.

3. Nauli kulipa lazima ,Chenji ukikumbuka.

4. Kutapika ndani ndani ya Daladala fain 250/= ,ukijamba pia 250/= ,Sasa jamba tukujue viti vina alarm!…

5.Hatujasema wewe ni Mnene ila Ukikalia SITI mbili Lipia….

6. Hio Elfu kumi yako nenda nunua avocado upake alafu uteleze hadi posta ,nauli ya daladala ni 350/=.

7. usifungue dirisha ungetaka upepo ungepanda pikipiki..

8. wewe Dada hebu sogea hukoo, Unaringa nini wakati asubuhi hii umeoga na sabuni ya kuoshea vyombo…

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Sifa mbaya: Cheki kilichompata huyu mwanaume mpenda sifa

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SIFA MBAYA…
Jamaa alikuwa ndani ya daladala Mara simu ikaita alikuwa ni mkewe kwa sifa jamaa akaweka loud speaker ili watu wasikie wanavyopendana.
JAMAA;wife Mara hii umenimiss jaman
WIFE; kwa nini umekunywa uji wa mtoto?!!!
😂😂😂😂😂

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Jamaa alikuwa na tabia ya kutembea na binamu yake cheki kilichomkuta

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Jamaa alikuwa na tabia ya kutembea na binamu yake….

Alikuwa anasubiri mjomba na mkewe walale tu halafu ananyata mdogo mdogo mpaka chumbani kwa binamu yake.

Siku moja umeme ulikuwa umekatika ikabidi aamue kuvua nguo kabisachumbani kwake….

Akanyata taratibua akafungua mlango akazama chumbani kwa mjomba ake bila kujua, ghafla umeme ukarudi…

MJOMBA; we mshenzi umefata nini chumbani kwangu tena uko uchi

JAMAA; nimekuja kukuaga kesho naondoka

MJOMBA; ndo uje uchi?

JAMAA; ndio kwasababu nimeshapaki kila kitu kwenye begi

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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Jinsi nilivyogundua kuwa nina kipaji leo

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LEO NIMEPITA MTAA FULANI NIKAKIMBIZWA NA MBWA, NDIO NIKAJUA NINA KIPAJI KINAPOTEA TU………

SIO CHA KUKIMBIA, NI KUPIGA KELELE😆😆😆😆😆😆

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Jambo la kufanya ukitaka mwanaume akusaidie kazi jikoni

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Fanya hivi

Ukitaka mwanaume akusaidie kazi jikoni mwambie “NAOMBA CM YAKO NIWASHE TOCHI TAA IMEUNGUA”
atakusaidia kumulika mpaka unamaliza kazi zako zoote😂

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Nilichomfanyia huyu aliyenizingua nilipomuazimisha pasi

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🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
Jana nimeenda kuazima pasi chumba jirani, ili ninyooshe nguo zangu, Jamaa wakaniambia nichukue nguo nikanyooshe room kwao maana hawataki pasi yao itoke.
Sasa leo amekuja mmoja wao kuazima mopper akasafishe room, nimemwambia aje adekie humu humu…

Jamaa ameondoka nadhani atakua ameenda kuchukua maji
🤒🤒🤒

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Huyu jamaa kawaweza wapenda vya bure

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Jamaa kaingia mgahawani kwa fujo
JAMAA : Nipe soda moja na kila mtu mpe yake maana ninapokunywa soda napenda kila mtu anywe
WATU : Ha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa!
JAMAA : Nipe mchemsho na kila mtu mpe wa kwake maana ninapokula mchemsho napenda kila mtu ale wake
WATU: Watu weweeee! Tena safari hii Na makofi juu..
JAMAA : Mhudumu, nipe bili na kila mtu mpe yake maana ninapolipa bili napenda kuona kila mtu analipa yake
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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Huyu kashauzwa!! Angalia kilichomkuta sasa

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Jamaa alionekana Mnyooooonge sana ikabidi mpita njia amuulize…

Kaka, mbona u mnyonge hivyo?”

Jamaa : ‘aaaaah we niache tu, kuna rafiki yangu nimemkopesha laki tano akafanye PLASTIC SURGERY ya uso, Mwanaharamu sasa nashindwa kumtambua!!!

😂😂😂😂😂😂

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Cheki huyu mzee alichomfanyia muuzaji wa pharmacy

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Mzee kaingia pharmacy,
MZEE: Mambo mwanangu, kuna kitu naomba uonje nitakulipa
MFAMASIA: Kitu gani?….Mzee akatoa kichupa na kijiko akaweka …majimaji yaliyomo kwenye
kichupa kwenye kijiko na kumwambia mfamasia aonje, mfamasia akatia yale maji mdomoni na kuyazungusha zungusha mdomoni akionja;

MZEE: Nipe jibu, ina utamu wa sukari au chumvi au pilipili?
MFAMASIA: Kama chumvichumvi
MZEE: Hakuna sukari
MFAMASIA: Sukari hakuna kabisa
MZEE: Loh asante chukua hii alfu tano nashukuru sana, dokta alinambia nipime mkojo wangu kama nina kisukari, kumbe sina asante bwana mdogo

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Angalia huyu demu alivyo mbulula

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Jamaa aliamua kumtoa demu wake out kwaajili ya chakula cha usiku kufika hotelini wakakaa mezani mhudumu akaja,

Mhudumu: kaka nikuhudumie nini,
Jamaa: afathal NILETEE MENU LISTI
Mhudumu: dada na wewe?
Demu akajibu kwa pozi tena kwakujishaua, “NA MIMI NILETEE MENU LIST ILA USIWEKE CHUMVI NYINGI”
Chezea mbulula wewe…!!!

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Hakuna mtu mwenye mbio duniani kama huyu

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HAKUNA MTU MWENYE MBIO, KAMA MSICHANA ALIYEPAKA MAKE UP ALAFU MVUA INYESHE….. 😂😂

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Baada ya kuumizwa kimapenzi haya ndiyo maneno

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Mkishaumizwa ndo utasikia, Moyo sukuma damu sio mengine. wakati mnapenda mlizani moyo ulikuwa unasukuma kinyesi!!!!!??????😂😂😂😂

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Hii ndio ngoma droo kwa wanaume kati ya wanawake

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{ NGOMA DROO}
Sikuizi utawasikia wadada wakisema kuachwa na mwanaume asie na pesa nisawa na kuluhusiwa hospital

{Sasa na sisi} wanaume tunasema
Kuachwa na demu mpenda pesa nisawa na kumaliza mkopo benk 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Wanaume atutakagi ujinga!!!! Wanaume heeeeee🏃🏾‍♂🏃🏾‍♂🏃🏾‍♂🏃🏾‍♂

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Nilichokifanya jana baada ya kushuka kwenye basi Ubungo

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Jana nateremka kwenye BASI UBUNGO nataka nichukue TEKSI hadi KIMARA naambiwa sh.15,000/=.
Wakati niponatafakari hiyo bei, nikasikia “Moro, Moro,Morogoro sh.6,000/=”

Nikaamua nipande niende zangu MOROGORO.
Kwenda na kurudi sh.12,000/=.
Wakati wa kurudi nikamwmbia KONDA aniteremshe KIMARA.

SIPENDAGI UJINGA MIMI NA BEI ZA TEKSI.

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Faida 3 za uvutaji wa sigara

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Ni hizi

1. Mvuta sigara hazeeki
2. Mvuta sigara haumwi na mbwa
3. Mvuta sigara nyumbani kwake haingii mwizi

UFAFANUZI

1. Hazeeki kwa sababu hufa mapema kwa kifua kikuu

2. Haumwi na mbwa kwa vile kifua na mapafu yanapooza na hulazimika kutembea na bakora

3. Nyumbani kwake haingii mwizi kwa kuwa inafika wakati ambapo halali:
atakohoa usiku kucha hivyo mwizi anajua yupo macho
kumbe kikohozi tu!

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Sifa 10 za mwanaume ambaye kila binti anayetaka aolewe angependa aolewe naye!!

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1. Awe na pesa nyingi

2.Siyo lazima awe mzuri wa sura

3. Ajenge ukweni

4.Awe mpole

5.Asimuonee wivu mke wake

6.Awe mwenye upendo wa dhati

7.Asishike simu ya mke wake.

8.Akimkuta na mwanaume apite tu, akitaka kujua ni nani asubiri nyumbani

9.Awe anamskiliza mke wake kwa kika kitu.

10.Asipende mwanamke mwingine zaid yake

UKIMPATA MWANAUME MWENYE SIFA HIZO KAPIME DNA LAZIMA ATAKUWA NI BABA AKO.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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Huyu Jamaa bwana! Cheki anavyojibu sasa

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*Mdukuzi:* _halloo massai unasemaj_
*Massai:* _safi rafiki_

*Mdukuzi:* _nikikuuliza swali unaakili ya kujibu?_
*Massai:* _ulisa acha maneno yako._
*Mdukuzi:* _nitajie wanyama kumi wa porini_
*Massai:* _swala watatu na tembo saba_😆😆😆😆😆😆👆🏿

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Aina mojawapo ya watoto ambao ni hasara kuwa nao

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Alipelekwa Hospitali na baba yake, baada ya vipimo Doctor akawa anamuandikia dawa, baba yake akatoka nje kuongea na cm.

Mtoto akamwinamia Doctor na kusema kwa sauti ya chini:- “Doctor Kwenye dozi ya dawa niandikie na FANTA BARIDII, CHIPS na MISHIKAKI kutwa mara 2 kwa siku 30.

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Angalia huyu mtoto anachomjibu baba yake baada ya kutoka kwenye mtihani

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BABA: mwanangu kwenye huu mtihani uliofanya natumaini utafanya vizuri.
DOGO: ndio baba nitapata mia kwa mia.
BABA: kwanini unasema hivyo?.

DOGO: kwasababu jana kanisani tulifundishwa “Yesu ni jibu” kwahiyo kote nimejaza Yesu.
BABA: kwel kazi ipo
JE UNGEKUWA WEWE HUYO NDO MWANAO UNGEMFANYAJE?

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Angalia nilivyookoa maisha ya mtu leo

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Nmeokoa maisha ya mtu asubuhi ya leo huwezi amini.Nmekutana na ombaomba nikamuuliza atajisikiaje nikimpa sh.30,000/-

Akasema ATAKUFA kwa furaha.Nikaondoka bila kumpa ili ASIFE.😃😃😃😃

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Activity	Status	Started	Ended	Remarks
AckySHINE App development	Active	January 2021	Ongoing	Create Mobile application for AckySHINE
Full redesigning	Active	November 2020	Ongoing	Move to another platform. Other URLs will change
Research Consultancy	Completed	June 2018	August 2018	Consultation services
Monitoring and evaluation	Completed	June 2018	August 2018	Consultation services
Training and facilitation	Completed	June 2018	August 2018	Consultation services
Change from content publisher web to service provider	Active	June 2018	Ongoing	Change from blog to service provider website.
English to Swahili Translation services	Completed	August 2017	September 2017	All translation services
Web designing and development	Completed	January 2017	March 2017	Multiple platform
AckySHINE Market	Closed	July 2015	January 2017	Closed Permanent
AckySHINE Kutafutana	Closed	April 2016	June 2020	Closed permanent
AckySHINE Dedication	Pending	June 2018	Ongoing	Coming soon
Designing AckySHINE Shop	Completed	February 2017	February 2017	AckySHINE Shop is a collection of digital products
Designing AckySHINE Library	Completed	November 2016	November 2017	Pdf Library for reading and downloading pdf
English Website Content creation	Pending	August 2016	May 2018	Creation of New posts ceased.
Swahili Catholic Website	Pending	March 2015	May 2018	Creation of New posts ceased.
Swahili website Content creation	Pending	January 2015	May 2018	Creation of New posts ceased.
Advertising and marketing	Active	March 2015	Ongoing	Ads Displaying and Guest posts
Website creation	Completed	January 2015	January 2015	This website was created on 7 Jan 2015, 18:41.

Activity	Nature	Description
Research Consultancy	Offline	Research Consultation services
Monitoring and evaluation	Offline	M&E Consultation services
Training and facilitation	Offline	Training and Facilitation Consultation services
English to Swahili Translation services	Offline	English Swahili translation services
Web designing and development	Offline	Multiple platforms
AckySHINE Market	Closed	Closed Permanent
AckySHINE Kutafutana	Closed	Closed permanent
AckySHINE Dedication	Pending	Coming soon
Designing AckySHINE Shop	Pending	AckySHINE Shop is a collection of digital products
Designing AckySHINE Library	Pending	Pdf Library for reading and downloading pdf
English Website Content creation	Pending	Creation of New posts ceased. Old posts are available
Swahili Catholic Website	Pending	Creation of New posts ceased. Old posts are available
Swahili website Content creation	Pending	Creation of New posts ceased. Old posts are available
Advertising and marketing	Online	Ads Displaying and Guest posts