SMS Nzuri: Meseji za Vichekesho Vya Xmass

Kilichotokea kwa binti na mvulana wake walipotaitishwa na baba yake msichana

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Msichana alikuwa amekaa na baba yake kibarazani, mara akamuona MVULANAfriend wake akija, yule mvulana alipokaribia tu, yule msichana akamwambaia:

MSICHANA: Umekuja kuchukua kile kitabu chako, kinachoitwa “DADDY IS AT HOME?” by Ngozi Okafor
MVULANA: Hapana!, Nimekuja kuazima kitabu cha Maombi kama kinaitwa “WHERE SHOULD I WAIT FOR YOU?” by Ngũgĩ wa Thiong’o
MSICHANA: Aaah! Icho sina ila ninacho kimoja kinaitwa “UNDER THE MANGO TREE” by Chimamanda Adichie
MVULANA: Ooh! Vizuri, Basi usisahau kuja nacho kesho kitabu cha Okot p’Bitek kile kinachoitwa “CALL ME IN 5 MINUTES BEFORE” Utakapokuja shule.
MSICHANA: Usijali, tena nina kitabu kipya kinaitwa “I WON’T LET YOU DOWN” by Chinua Achebe
Baba mtu akawatazamaaaa kisha akasema
BABA: Vitabu vyote hivyo, mbona vingi sana, atavisoma vyote kweli
MSICHANA: Ndio Daddy, huyu mvulana hupo smart sana na ana akili atavisoma vyote hivyo!
BABA: Sawa! Usisahau kumpatie na kile ambacho nimekiweka pale juu ya meza, kinaitwa “I AM NOT STUPID, I UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING YOU’VE BEEN SAYING” by Shakespeare!
Na kuna kingine nimekiweka juu ya kabati la vyombo, kinaitwa “IF YOU GOT PREGNANT PREPARE TO GET MARRIED”

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Kwa nini vitu vunavyoanza na “K” ni vitamu sana?

236 Comments / 1000+ Vichekesho vipya: Vichekesho vya AckySHINE

Zuzu kaniuliza, “Anko, unajua vitu vinavyoanzia na K ni vitamu sana.”
Nikashtuka, “Astaghafilulah we mtoto! Niondolee wehu wako hapa!”

Zuzu akatabasamu. Akaendelea kuongea kabla sijafanikiwa kumzuia. “Kweli kabisa anko. Vitu vinavyoanza na K ni vitamu sana kwa mfano kuku, kalimati, keki, kabab, katleti, kashata, kisheti na karoti.”
Nikashusha pumzi. “Ahaa! Kumbe ndo hivyo, ni kweli!”

Zuzu akanitupia swali. “Kwani we anko ulidhani nini?”


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Kilichowakuta boss, mke wake na mfanyakazi wao

236 Comments / 1000+ Vichekesho vipya: Vichekesho vya AckySHINE

Bakari ni house boy mara nyingi huiba wine ya boss wake na kisha kuongeza maji kwenye chupa ili boss asigundue.
Mara kadhaa boss alihisi ladha tofauti anapokunywa wine hivyo kuhisi kuna mchezo mchafu alihisi tu Bakari anahusika.
Ilikua ni bahati tu alimvizia na
kumbamba Bakari akichakachua wine, kwa kuwa mkewe alikua
anamtetea Bakari, ili kumthibitishia mkewe kuwa Bakari ndo culprit, boss alianza kwa kumuuliza Bakari maswali.
Siku hiyo Bakari alikua jikoni, boss na mkewe walikua sebuleni.

Boss: Bakariiii!
Bakari: Naam baba!
Boss: nani anakunywa wine yangu?
Bakari kimyaaaa hajibu kitu!
Boss: Bakariiiii !
Bakari: naam baba!
Boss: nauliza nani anakunywa wine yangu halafu anajazia majiii!
Bakari kimyaaaaa!

Boss akaamua amfuate hukohuko jikoni.
Boss: Kwanini nikikuita unaitikia, nikikuuliza unanyamaza?
Bakari: baba huku jikoni ndo kulivyo, unasikia jina tu likiitwa lakini maneno menginehusikii, na kama huamini baki jikoni mi niende sebuleni.

Bakari akaenda sebuleni akaanza kuita.
Bakari:Babaa!
Boss: naam Bakari!
Bakari: Saa sita usiku huwa unaenda kufanya nini chumba cha house girl?

Boss kimyaaaa!
Bakari: Baba babaa!
Boss:ndio Bakari!
Bakari: Nauliza hivii, chumbani kwa house girl saa sita za usiku huwa wafuata nini?

Boss kimyaaaaaaa!
Boss akatoka nje: Bakari huku jikoni ni kweli husikii kitu zaidi ya jina!

Mke wa Boss akaingilia kati
Mama: nyie msinitanie kabisa mnasemaje?
Bakari: kweli mama ukiwa jikoni husikii kitu nenda uone

Mama akaenda na Bakari akaanza

Bakari: mamaaaa!
Mama: abeee!
Bakari: hebu niambie hiyo mimba ni ya baba au yangu?
Mama kimya

Bakari: mamaaaa!
Mama: abeeee!
Bakari: hebu niambie ukweli hiyo mimba ni ya baba au yangu??
Mama kimya

Mama akatoka nje: kweli humu jikoni kuna tatizo nilikuwa nasikia jina tu


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Nani Mkali Hapa kati ya DEMU na MSHIKAJI?

236 Comments / 1000+ Vichekesho vipya: Vichekesho vya AckySHINE

“MAENEO FLANI ya KISHUA”

-Mshikaji kamwona demu mkali
anakatiza kitaa akamkubali akaamua
amfuate amtemee cheche

MSHIKAJI- mambo dada?

DEMU- pouwa

MSHIKAJI-
umependezaa!!!

DEMU- asante.

MSHIKAJI- unaweza ukanisaidia
namba
yako ya simu……..
maana duh
nmekukubali
kinyama.

Demu baada ya kuambiwa vile
akazama kwenye pochi lake akatoa
noti ya
sh.10000 akaandika namba yake
kwenye
noti akampa mshikaji.

Mshikaji kapokea ile noti kachana
sehem
iliyoandikwa namba halafu
kamrudishia
Demu noti yake..!!!

NANI ANA DHARAU
NA NANI JEURI..
DEMU AU MSHIKAJI??!


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Misemo 17 ya kuchekesha

236 Comments / 1000+ Vichekesho vipya: Vichekesho vya AckySHINE

1) gari la kuvutwa halina overtake
2) kisigino hakikakai mbele
3) wimbo wa taifa haupgwi disko
4) feni haiwashwi beach
5) mshkaki hauchomwi kwa jiko la ges
6) mganga haagiz tembele
7) hata bibi alikuwa bint
8) mke wa mtu sumu,mume wamtu maziwa
9) kipara bila pesa ni kovu
10) mbwa hanenepi migiuu
11) picha ya rais haina bodyguard
12) mjini shule kijiji tuition
13) saa ya ukutani haivaliwi mkonon
14) heshima pesa shkamoo makelele
15) ulinz pesa bastora mzgo
16) kuku ni kuku jogoo mbwembwe
17) kusoma kuelewa kukesha mbwembwe


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Duh! Tamaa mbaya, cheki kilichompata Huyu

236 Comments / 1000+ Vichekesho vipya: Vichekesho vya AckySHINE

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA DUH TAMAA MBAYA

Muokota makopo katika uokotaji wake wa makopo akaona chupa ambayo ndani kuna ki2, alipoifungua likatoka jitu la ajabu. Huku akitetemeka lile jitu likamwambia kijana asante sana kwa kuniokoa omba vi2 viwili sasa hivi. Kijana kwa hofu akaomba pesa za kumiliki magari na majumba ya kifahari. Ghafla fuko la hela na pete ya bahati vikadondoka. Akaambiwa ombi la pili,akasema nibadilishe niwe kivutio ili nipendwe sana nakina dada Hapohapo akageuzwa akawa chipsi yai.!!😂🤣🤣🤣


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Soma hii, kama wewe ndio mzazi wa huyu msichana ungefanyaje?

236 Comments / 1000+ Vichekesho vipya: Vichekesho vya AckySHINE

Wewe ni mzazi mwanao anasoma kidato cha tatu mkoani umemsafirisha leo kwenda shule baada ya masaa matano ukasikia gari alilo panda mwanao limepata ajali wamekufa watu wote upo ktk harakati za kuandaa msiba,

mwanao anakupigia simu baba/mama mimi mzima sijafa mpenzi wangu ABDUL aliniambia nishuke Chalinze ili niwe nae kwa siku mbili alafu niende shule je, wewe mzazi unge mfanyaje mwanao?

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